This book is dedicated to love.
These writings were started in 2004. As I read them again my first thought was to soften the
language and the harshness of my experience. I understand now I cannot do that, because it was
my experience just as it is written. Anyone in the process of grieving that reads these words will
understand immediately that softened words are incorrect. Because I know that time and the work I
did made me softer. My husband, John completed his experience on earth in February 2004. My
grieving gave me the single, greatest gift of my entire being. The cracking of my seed. The
awakening of my soul. For that the words stand alone, as they were written. You will see over this
seven year period that the words and experience soften with time, just as I did. My prayers and
blessings to all grieving or holding the hand of someone in grief.
I have decided to post this book on my web page now. In reviewing my intent for the book it is this….
to share my story with other widows and widowers. I know in the early days of my grief I did not look
for advice books. In those days I looked for books written by other widows and widowers. I wanted
to hear the truth about the grief and I wanted to hear their stories. In reading those books I knew
this “silent grief” was shared by others. In reading books from the community of grieving spouses, I
knew that I was not alone. So I am sharing my story now.
Chapter 1 – Before Awakening: Hints and Glimpses
How far back in my memory shall I take you? It was only after awakening that I went back and
looked at my life with my eyes open. There were hints and glimpses everywhere.
I called my imaginary childhood friend PB Sasay only to find a couple of years ago that (BB
Borkar, wrote a book called “Sasay” Sanskrit for “the God within.” Our playground was inside of a
hedge and up a fig tree. Symbols and analogies, they are everywhere; nearly as big as billboards,
but we are blind until we are ready to see.
I was a contrary being – always doing battle against the authorities and establishments in my life.
Yes, that is the stuff I was made of--I was told to never take up typing in high school, so I became a
secretary for over twenty five years.
In 1995 I became ill with a movement disorder called Focal Dystonia, a constant twitching of my left
back and shoulder. My husband and I loved gardening. We built many homes together and
installed lovely gardens. With this disease I could not sleep, and without sleep I was too tired to
garden. What was left for me? Of course, drawing the plants of my garden in my journal! What
kind of logic is that? Again contrary to the way of things, I have a movement disorder and I am
taking up botanical illustration for a hobby. With this disorder the shaking was so intense some days
I felt like I was giving myself whiplash. What do I do? I take up drawing to fill the frustrating hours
of my life.
John figured me out in 1980 when I went to work for him at Atari. Whenever he wanted me to come
around to his way of thinking, (in his own gentle, humorous way), he would put forward the opposite
opinion--I am an open book.
I did not pick up a paintbrush until August 1999 at age 45. I did not write a word until John died. Art
heals. The dystonia left a long time ago. For me, the dystonia opened the door to art. John made
the space for me to continue with my botanical art studies for nearly five years. John’s graceful care
of me during those difficult days with dystonia also taught me later on how to care for him. It was
truly a great lesson in the balance of giving in a relationship.
Another sign for me- like don’t listen with your head, use your heart.
Chapter 2 2002 - Art Fills in the Empty Spaces
The first time I submitted two works to an exhibition the dreaded SASE came back in the mail. I
opened it and thought-“those fools, they only sent one of the two slides back!” John and I looked at
each other in amazement as we read the letter, one was accepted! There was no error. My drawing
of Ranunculus was off to an international exhibition scheduled in New York for September 2002.
What a joyous day that was for us. The love of my life gave me so much-he gave me love and the
time to heal my dystonia with art. John gave me the time to study botanical art and the art opened a
door to a new way of living. Art would fill an even bigger hole in me after he was gone. For nearly
our entire marriage we did make each day count. I used to joke that we were married twenty one
years and the last twenty were the best. We learned lessons early. We learned to love each other
simply with respect and honor, humor and grace and giving. I miss him every day. He gave me so
much. I have to honestly say I still feel like part of me has been misplaced. But now I know where to
look.
Before John died, all of my artwork was strictly botanical illustration and art, close enough that a
botanist should be able to identify it by sight. Done with 5x diopters so no lines were out of place.
The last two watercolors of a peony and a begonia Rex took me about two hundred hours each.
The exhibit of with my drawing was scheduled on our 20th anniversary in New York. John said there
would only be one first exhibit--to please go with my dear friend Linda and do the garden and art
tours at the same time. Last week I found the card I gave him for that anniversary. Right where it
should not really be, but right when I needed to read it again. I had picked a portion of poem from
the internet about loving him for what we are together and that I would celebrate our anniversary in
New York because he loved me enough to let me dream the dream. I wrote that twenty years
seemed like just a taste of the best that is yet to come.
Every moment of the lives we share with our spouses is precious. Each sentence and each thought
do last forever. These precious memories and cards fill me when I get emptied. Remind me that I
was held and nurtured for many years by a great man. I have said that I am glad he died first, I
would not have wished this grief on anyone I loved, or anyone at all. I know now that he is just
where he is supposed to be, and I am here. There is a purpose for this. It unfolds every day.
I was amazed that people were actually paid money for sci-fi art and sci-fi worlds have botanical
needs. I started to bend my botanicals in another direction. We are all coming to the same place
eventually and in perfect time. I then started doodling around with Celtic knots and spirals. The
Fibonacci sequence was a part of my botanical art study. Numbers in nature, look for them, they
are everywhere and have been around for a very long, long time. The Golden Mean. The spirals of
life. I have sketch books from 2001-2003 filled with the triskele, Celtic knots and spirals running
through trees and plants and leaves of my imaginations. A globe of birch bark in a Celtic knot
pattern, leaves with patterns and spirals, braids and patterns within patterns.
Chapter 3 2003 – The Changes and The Chaos
I left a secretarial job in July 2003 after over twenty-five years of caring for various companies of
software and hardware scientists and executives as the “psychic” secretary-you know always
knowing what they need before they ask for it? It was time, I was ready to be an artist full time (or
so I thought). John was just wrapping up a consulting assignment and Mom needed a new front
garden. John and I lived to garden. It is why we flew back to San Marcos every weekend for nearly
ten years, to tend to our garden and work outside. We always felt close to nature growing beautiful
gardens. Twelve homes in twenty years. All sold with a beautiful garden left behind. So I worked on
the design. It took me about two months of plant research, material scouting and preparation. We
installed the garden together. A spiral fairy garden. Plants in spirals, glass globs as a fairy river
leading to the fairy ring at the end of a spiral. I put Mom to work gluing glass to the platform for the
fairies home, pots and other light catching ornaments to adorn her garden. Stretching out of my
comfort zone into a creative space. I was so happy with the change.
This is still a difficult memory for me but a very significant sign. One night in August John rolled over
to go to sleep. I pointed to a mole on his back and said “this will be a death of you.” I immediately
apologized and told him I was so very sorry for that. I would find him a dermatologist right away. He
said he would take care of it himself. John died of melanoma, metastasized in his organs and brain.
It was everywhere. This mole on the back was not the primary site. This was not the mole that killed
him. He was bullet ridden with melanoma when finally and properly diagnosed in mid-January 2004.
This is not something that happens in two or three months. This fair skinned man worked outside
for all of the years I was with him and many more before that. But in August 2003 he was a vital sixty-
seven year old man. A prostate cancer survivor. He was proactive about his health with regular
checkups (including dermatology checks). He played (and won) racquetball four times a week with
men much younger than himself. He ate good food and kept his weight down. He helped me move
wheelbarrows of dirt and install a spiral fairy garden at my mothers. He would be gone before I
knew what hit me. So listen to your intuitive self, the heart of you, which is where the knowledge
rests for all things. It is not your thoughts or logic or a process. It is from deep inside of your soul,
because that is where the memory is stored. That is where your script has been etched. It is where
you and the Divine wrote the story of the life you are living before you came to be. Listen, look,
touch, smell, taste but slowly because what is important is within that moment. That is where your
signs reside. So John and I finished the garden at the end of November. We had just finished when
he stretched out on the bed and said he had the flu. December 1-10, 2003 treating himself for the
flu. December 11th we went to the doctor. Bad doctor. Said he had the flu go back to bed. No other
tests. No, Laura should not worry that John had high blood pressure when it was never high, just a
symptom of the “sleepy flu” going around. We quarantined John for what was his final Christmas so
he would not infect anyone with his flu. After Christmas my cousin Dawn (a beautiful and caring
nurse), her husband Bruce and my dear friend Linda (all earth angels to me) insisted John go back
to the doctor. On December 29th we did. He still had high blood pressure. He could not eat and
keep food inside of him; he was very weak but still driving and pushing himself. The doctor was
ready to send us back home with that darned flu. We insisted on a chest x-ray and blood work.
Bad news, bad doctor, bad place altogether. Chest x-ray riddled with tumors. Sorry, they said, they
didn’t even have a light panel in an exam room to show us. Rather than stand in a hallway and get
the bad news, we held the x-rays up to the ceiling light. The schedules were very full that January;
we were told we had to wait until January 22 for a biopsy. This was unacceptable. After much
expediting I got it moved to January 15th. Wow, I am ashamed of that even now but we were
exhausted, too tired to fight, too numb to kick and scream. To make someone wait with tumors of
undetermined origin in them for an appointment to determine where they began is like shoving a
stick of dynamite in someone’s hand, lighting it and saying don’t worry we’ll be back in a while to put
it out. January 13th John still drove us to the biopsy. I had to bring a muffin for him to eat after the
event since he was so weak he could hardly stand up on an empty stomach. I drove us home, he
never drove again. The results came in later. Melanoma metastasized from unknown site of origin.
On January 15th a short, succinct exam and meeting with a cold as steel oncologist telling John to
build up his strength if he wanted to go to the John Wayne Clinic (this is called a palliative statement-
no hope but no way does the patient want to hear no hope so they call it palliative care). She would
see him back in two weeks after other tests were in like MRI, scans, blood work. She would have
her office call with the schedule and they would space out the tests because he was so weak it
would be less debilitating. That the tumors in his liver (what? no mention of those until now) and the
sores on his back and skull were due to blah, blah, blah. There was very little actual truth spoken at
that meeting I now know. It was the unspoken that screamed through my head that day. They
screwed up this case. This guy was on his way out. A few more days and their butts would be
covered. The sweet cover of death would save another malpractice insurance premium from going
sky high.
My dream that night was very intense. I dreamt of a pagan goddess and animal sacrifices, blood
spilled everywhere about me the goddess flying through the air. It was a deep dream of death I am
sure.
My last fax to the oncologist was sent around midnight of January 18th and started with the words
“Help Please.” She called me back at 8:00 PM that evening (20 hours later) with the parting words
that she would have hospice contact us. I had no tools or appliances to make John more
comfortable or help him walk. On January 21st with the insistence of my brother Michael and his
wife, Lisa and the help of another earth angel, Kathleen (another extraordinary nurse) we drove
John to a new place, Los Gatos Community Hospital. We were gifted to have the most wonderful
doctor in the world. He gave us the gift of the goodbye time. He ordered all the tests and admitted
John. He told John he would make him feel a whole lot better for the rest of his life. Truth – finally.
John had brain tumors, which is why he could not walk. He had never been given a brain scan by
the bad doctors. The neurosurgeon said the 4cm tumor on his cerebellum would have blown into
the other hemisphere by the end of the week because of swelling and he would have been dead (or
worse a vegetable). The wit and wisdom of my sweet John was like his life blood, in fact more
important to him that his life blood. We spent a week in the hospital bringing the brain swelling
down, radiation and as the doctor said, making him feel a whole lot better for the rest of his life. He
came home January 28th.
There are many moments in the goodbye time that were only mine. I will share them now because I
want others to know about grief and love. It was all for love. It was for the honor of the last days of
my dear husband and to complete the contract we made. It was because he had cared for me so
gently when I had dystonia – I wanted to give him the same grace and tenderness.
It was because of love that I stood in line and bought myself the last Valentines card I would ever
receive from John (because he asked me to do this) one week before he died. It was probably one
of the most surreal moments of the chaos, standing in a line at a bookstore wondering how I would
ever make it to the cash register.
How I ate only oranges and popsicles mostly for nearly a month. How I fell asleep on a frozen
popsicle one night in sheer exhaustion and woke up wondering what the sticky raspberry juice was
doing underneath my covers.
The moments of John speaking harshly to me (he never did this, ever before) not really yelling but
harsh words in wondering why I brought him breakfast when he really didn’t want any (he had just
asked for a muffin 5 minutes before) and why I was going to sit with his kids and watch TV while he
slept instead of being with him. How I would try not to take it personally? This guy had brain tumors
after all. How after he went to sleep I would run outside and cry in the dark of night where no one
could hear me. How he told me he wanted it to be good (no pain) until it wasn’t good any more, then
he wanted it over quickly. He took mostly aspirin for pain medication and only a mood pill once until
hospice started. He had his wish.
In the goodbye time there were many people that came to help. Neighbors and friends and
wonderful people that I had worked with in the past that brought dinners and groceries so that I
could sit and be with John during the goodbye time. How Linda and Dawn and Bruce and Doug
gave up time in their own lives to be there for us. I love you all and thank you all from my heart for
the gifts. Someone recommended a book to me called “Final Gifts” and I thank them for this
book. It helped me recognize and value the glimpses on the other side of the veil that John was
experiencing and because of that I was very present and tuned into him completely for the last days.
I prayed each night for a heart attack to kill him rather than brain dementia. I got my wish. A week
before he died his children visited and insisted he go to the doctor so they could make sure all was
being done. The doctor came out and showed us there was an 8cm tumor in his heart (these are
usually only found after autopsy on melanoma patients). Our doctor released us from his care
because of his beliefs about hospice. I completely respect him for that and again thank God for
allowing us to meet this man at a time when we had no trust or faith in any caregivers. Our doctor
told us to contact hospice and go home and make him comfortable and that John would be dead of
congestive heart failure in a few days. I got my wish; it was his heart after all. We had a sweet and
sad, long and short, soft and hard time of saying goodbye. But he had his wit until the end. Just
before his soul left he woke up and told us of the beautiful people in white on the beach and the
coconut trees in fields that had nests. He drew a map with exit routes all leading to an area at the
top of the page with an up arrow. He saw a dust jacket cover on a new book and told us that is what
his mother looked like before her cancer. On February 22, 2004 his soul left at 3:00 AM. The
electricity between our hands was stilled. His heart stopped around noon on just as my mother
walked down the driveway to get in my brothers car.
Chapter 4 2004 - Grief
In come the waves of grief. I would not go stupidly into this process as I had for the cancer. I picked
the most brutal grief book about death of a spouse recommended to start. Actually written by a
widow (a pregnant widow). They all say the same thing. To get to the other side of the chasm you
must walk down into it. You cannot fly over it. You cannot build a bridge. You have to enter the
depths of this nightmare to find the healing spirit within you in order to bring yourself back into the
Light. Only you can do it. Drugs will only delay the effect. Busy work will only delay the effect. This
is not something you can schedule. You can delay it but beware! Other events in life continue as
planned. You may have an enormous amount of things to deal with at the same time you have to
enter that chasm. The book said it best by saying after the bliss of numbness wears off (and it does)
jump in, both feet, breathe it, feel it, work with it. Just start it. To start means there will be a finish.
To delay the start means you still have to keep the appointment and it may not be at a time you
choose. Maybe others will be leaving your life at the same time. The counselors warned us of
compound grief. I have two older parents and I was caring for one. I had to dive in to this hell on
earth.
But oh, what I learned. That meditation and spirituality saved me. That the signs provided to me
each and every day of my grief still now continue as my gifts of love. Real love, deep and true. That
I was not nuts; seeing butterflies or hearing words of wisdom needed for just that day, just that time.
That when my anger was at its peak, the only person to hear my scream was my eighty year old
mother. That was when the kitchen window screen flew off its locks into the kitchen to get me to
shut up, to calm down. To bring her a glass of water and remind her that this was a natural phase.
A message from the Universe to help. The Universe also has a great humor – really because only
humor that would send widow/ers to a bookstore where they have to get on their knees to peer
sideways on the bottom shelf at titles of grief books hidden between the section on Wicca and how
to have a better orgasm. All this while trying to discern a title that will hopefully resonate within us
and was written by someone who actually lost a spouse. Peering through swollen eye tissue and
having to wear sunglasses because the bleak look of our puffy, red eyes would scare the crap out
people.
The dreams that I had were my soul reminding me where I needed to go from here. At night I would
stretch out my open hand across the empty pillow next to me and call for John. I would always feel a
slight pressure in my hand and then an envelope of warmth to help me sleep. I only had to ask for
help and he would be there. I was really beginning to reach out to other spaces – beyond the
world I knew.
The fog of grief lasted about six weeks for me. It was very misty and soft like part of me was resting
elsewhere. I did receive a lot of messages. In that fog there is also a rawness and opening to
everything that is out there. I would hear phrases on TV or in a line at the post office and then I
would look it up and understand the message. I learned how to meditate. I took my blanket and CD
player outside in my Mom’s backyard after 11:00 pm so she would not disturb me. I sat under the
stars and cried and cried and cried. I let it all out. My wonderful and magic basset hound Jake was
my only companion. I thought of suicide. My uncle George (who had passed many years before)
brought the only two people I know through during meditation that had committed suicide and they
said very clearly to me, “do not be sad like us, finish your life.” John was also there holding a warm
space for me to take the next breath, the next step. I did not ever think about suicide again. I
learned to trust the messages.
I continued to meditate and listen. My messages always arrived in perfect timing, just when I asked
a question. The message was always followed by an affirmation – to show me I was really listening.
Messages and affirmations delivered by way of phrases, pictures and yes, even bumper stickers.
My soul was waking up. I was like an open field plowed clean of any previous growth. Ready for
something new. I started reading books about chakras and energy centers. I started reading about
shielding and auric fields. Really new information to me, and really important to me on the path.
Chapter 5 2004 – Cracking the Seed
I did not care any longer to continue on the way I was going. I saw myself as a drain to my mother’s
well-being. John and I were always best together and we loved those stories about spouses that
died within short spans of each other-those were love stories to us. Who was I without him really? I
gave up. Everything. What I thought was everything. Remember, I had no house (it was sold). The
“things” of my life (which John and I learned early on were really only things anyway) were in a
warehouse in Laguna Niguel. No children together (by choice). No job. No life insurance. No
money. No friends close by to hold my hand, take me to a movie or get me out of the room where my
husband took his last breath. Just our dog, Jake. He is the reason I woke up each day at that point.
My family helped with mail and bills – in grief all of my administrative skills left. I know why – in grief
opening a piece of mail is so completely unimportant in the grand scheme. This is where I started to
learn about priorities and what really matters. The day to day administration of life is completely
without meaning in grief. The only thing that matters is taking the next step. In deep grief there is
no concept of what you are supposed to do, it has lost all meaning. Most things lost all meaning.
Really, just standing by the kitchen sink and spooning a yogurt down at 5:00 pm was a maximum
capacity effort. I can’t tell you how many grocery carts I left at the checkout aisle (at lot). Grocery
shopping was something John and I loved to do together. I could only make it so far and then
bailed. I started to shop at a new store each time, until I was driving about 20 miles away just to find
the next new place.
I visited friends to help them dress up their gardens. They were really helping me, because kneeling
in sweet dirt was very soothing to me. The gardens were places where John and I were most
happy.
Here is where I will share what I call “moving to the front of the line.” It was something my brother
said to me. He was trying to give me advice. He was actually doing the exact thing that the grief
counselors warned about – people offering advice to make changes in your life that you are not
ready to make. The counselors were absolutely right – you have to make the decisions, no one else
can give you this advice. His harsh words kicked me back down into the pit of grief just as I clawed
my way out. Now I know it was a lesson I needed to push myself further. I needed things to change,
but I could not do it alone anymore. I could not continue in grief, trying to care for my mother and
trying to heal. For that I thank him because that statement is what helped me make the right choice
– to move to the front of the line, to have my soul awakening and for me to heal.
The next day, I jumped in the car and drove to visit my cousins Dawn and Bruce in San Clemente. I
could not write in my journal that night. I could not read my words because they were being smeared
and washed away by my tears. I closed my eyes and whispered to God…”If you want me to stand
up tomorrow it is for you to do. I cannot do it any longer. If you want me to speak tomorrow and eat
tomorrow and not die tomorrow it is for you to do, I am not strong enough.”
There was nothing left of me but a hollow shell, formerly Mrs. John Hamill, now the widow Laura. I
was nothing without John. We were a team from start to finish. We did everything together. His
business, our homes our entire life was spent in each other’s pockets.
I told John and God that I wanted out. I wanted to be back with John like those love stories. I did not
meditate before John died. No music, candles or incense (I use those now). Then it was just me
and Him. In my first journal entry after he died I wrote about the inside out faeries. The ones that
come along when you think things are grand and turn your life inside out. I was inside out,
exposed.
In that room in San Clemente my soul awakened. That was when I cracked open. In the space of
utter surrender to everything I thought I was…came a vision.
A beautiful platinum light embraced me. I felt warm, light and loved. I saw my soul. God cracked me
open like a seed and there were the seven beautiful colors of the rainbow with a liquid violet light
pouring out of the top covering me in sweet bliss. No faces, no words, no bells or flowing robes.
They were not necessary. The message was this….I am love.. I am here to help. That message
really answered everything. It is the ONLY answer for everything.
After my visit to San Clemente, my friend Linda invited me and Jake to move into her beautiful home
in Palm Desert. We accepted this gift – and this time to heal.
2011-As I finish this chapter I will express again now that in the moment of my seed cracking, of my
soul awakening there is no going back. That from that point and still today once this has happened
you cannot ever be satisfied with the old ways of being. They are like comparing dust to glitter.
They are like comparing a full out joyful scream to a whisper. The essence of that moment stays
fresh and complete and the knowing resides in my heart, always accessible. That is what grief gave
me, the moment of utter surrender. That moment made the space for the enormity of knowing who I
am and why I am here. There would have been no surrender without grief. John has indeed given
me the greatest gift of love that could ever be, the cracking of my seed.
There is a bit more about this in a meditation and a poem at the back of the book. I have learned to
take moments of angst and hurt and spin them around and look at them from all sides. Look at
them through love and with my heart, not with my mind. In doing that, I always recognize the Truth
of the matter and make the choice for joy and love, not hurt or fear.
Chapter 6 2004 – More Messages
I was going to choose brokenbranches.com for a website. I had started painting broken trees, lying
hollow and shattered in the dirt. This sign (more of a billboard) appeared while I was flying back
from Phoenix where I visited John’s children and grandchildren. I will state here that John’s four
children are phenomenal adults. I love them and their families for being a part of our lives from the
day I met John. The history that came with him included his four adult children and oodles of
grandchildren. They are what made him John. You cannot discount the past of someone when you
grow a life together. It is an entire package. Revel in it, enjoy it, make is a new part of you, what will
then be your history. All that are the Hamills changed me forever. I love them and treasure the
memories we had together.
So on the plane and clear as a bell was this thought-no brokenbranches.com. The website must be
writingevolution.com. I looked out of the window of the plane and in a field below I saw a capital “E”
in a dry field below. Then as the plane passed it and turned, it looked like a “W.” If you draw the
back of the E with soft curves you will see what I mean. I bought this domain name as soon as I
returned to my computer. It was not taken-can you imagine that? Absolutely-everything in its own
time just as I needed it. Just as I know that if you find this book it is no accident.
In the building of the website – pushing and pulling did not work. I was looking for a webmaster to
post to the site. I had the name and the front page and nothing else. I could not find anyone to do
this for me – amazing. Worked with software folks for 20 plus years and nada – no one around to
help me to do this EXCEPT……2:00 am one morning I get the message – “get up, get to the
computer, we will help you do this.” I sat at the computer, loaded online software for my site and
posted several pages and a LOT OF WRITING in one sitting. Around 7:00 am Linda came
downstairs and asked what I had done. I told her (a former English teacher) that I posted to the
public my writing – without anyone looking at it for proofreading or editing. I told her not to worry it
was perfect. She read it, it was perfect.
Many things happened like that – little nudges about don’t push so hard, help is always here. So I
started to be quieter, to listen more closely and pay attention to the messages. They were
everywhere.
Chapter 7 2005 – Visioning
February 22, 2005 - I am adding this update because today is a beginning. Today is one year
since John died. Today I turn the page on past chapters and open a new book for myself. A new
fairy tale of sorts. Or many tales, who knows? I guess that depends upon me and what I want to
create for myself each day. I have started building the foundation for a new tale, too young in my
heart for words to form around it, but probably very old and pieced together before I even got to this
place. We will see together. The sentence that rings the most true for my story with John is in the
poem to Gate Goddess of Forest Nautica-to have great grief you had to have had lived a great joy.
We did and I will always feel that joy whenever I think of the wonderful moments we shared.
After John died I painted The Gate Goddess of Forest Nautica (the tree that grows seashells) http:
//www.writingevolution.com/gategoddess.html. She was completed in two days in Cambria, California
with a travel set of watercolors. No extra lighting, measurements or structure. No diopters. A gift
from Spirit. The poem that was done with her was also gently received, I just put my pen to the
paper and the poem arrived.
March 3, 2005 - This evening I started writing a new story for me to live. John and I have closed the
tale of us together on earth. He told me I cannot star in two tales at the same time. So he is a part
of Heaven that waits for me when my time comes. Now I must make the time here count. I cannot
curl into a ball and wait. To do that would be to risk a take-over, you know coming back to learn
the lessons I neglected now. Besides all that, it would be terribly wasteful and selfish of me. Not
that I haven’t tried or wanted this. It was a load to carry up the big hill, my bundle of grief. It got
heavier not lighter over time. Today I gave it up. I surrendered it. No more grief for me. Every
time the load gets to be too heavy I imagine tossing it down a volcanic flue, to be incinerated into the
dust that it is and scattered to the winds. I have removed this black burden of grief knotted in
between the loving moments of me and John. Now I have a string of memories like beautiful kites
flowing in the wind with our laughter, funny puns, and noble deeds and cherished thoughts that I can
take and float in front of me like soft touches on my heart when I need to remember.
So here goes. My dream machine has started. The engines are turning. The Universe is Aware.
This story will have many pictures of our travels. Some painted by me, some by my new
companion. He is there at the edge, waiting for the signal. The Angels are poised. It is a vast
treasure hunt with puzzles and rewards. I will paint and write my way through this map to the
treasures softly and tenderly. I have the most awesome Guides and Angels. I cannot be what I
was, I will be much better than that. My heart and soul move me through this new story, not my other
senses. This is a story being written by Feel. This is how I have changed. My old life does not fit
any longer.
2011 - Awakeness – Throughout this book I will share my dreams of awakeness, the messages and
moments that I received as gifts of the grief. I know the grief carved through the old layers of false
beliefs and opened me up to many of these extraordinary events. I know this happens for all of us in
the awakening of our soul. If you are in the grieving process you know there are many moments
where you can really hear and feel the person that has died around you. I have journals full of my
connections which John after he passed over. Please do not discount these. Please believe in
everything that is beautiful and love and light and the soft messages from the Divine you are
receiving. These are soft stepping stones placed in front of you to help you find your way through
the grieving process. These are the stepping stones that glow in the dark, that are made of
softness not glass, that keep you warm when you are frozen cold.
Here I will share a couple of awakeness moments.
1) Rings and Pearls – After John passed, I had a dream where he brought me all the rings we
have shared, past, present and future with beautiful pink/white pearls flowing around them. He
poured these over me to show me how we are always together. The old, ancient rings were
primitive, but beautiful. The present rings look like the wedding bands of today and the future rings
were incredible and very futuristic made of materials I cannot name. The pearls were the wisdoms
we shared with each lifetime together. I knew this for Truth. He has been around me for a very long
time and is still with me now – helping me on this journey of being.
2) Sitting in God’s lap. I was very empty one night, thinking about all the many people God has
to tend and asked God if he ever got PTO (personal time off). The beautiful warmth embraces me
like a child in a parent’s lap and heard this….”every day is a holiday.” I could feel the smile and
love. This is one of those moments that stay clear and fresh anytime I wish to think on it. So very
beautiful and so much love, so very close. We just have to touch it.
3) The Space Dentist Dream – I had a dream one night in Palm Desert. I woke up belly-laughing
so loud that Linda came to ask what I was laughing about. I told her that John showed me a dream
where I was at the space dentist – the waiting room had chairs covered in cloths with patterns and
pictures of milk bones. I was told that I could not bring titanium into the aethers. I laughed out loud
– asking John if he was taking me to a vet or a dentist and why did I need to have teeth anyway in
the aethers? The reality - about two weeks later my front tooth crown (old crown) cracked. The
crack so large that it could not be re-crowned. I spent some time getting a quote from one dentist
and felt she was not the one so I visited a second dentist. I agreed with his suggestion of an implant
made of titanium. In conversation he found out I was an artist and he was having an art exhibit that
weekend by all his artist customers – would I like to participate and did I have any originals
nearby? At this writing, Linda holds the largest personal collection of my originals (so yes, this will
work). I brought a few paintings to the dentist office for him to set out Saturday morning for the
event. At 10:00 am Linda and I arrived to see where he set my paintings. I looked down and there
were two milk bones. Yes, indeed I cannot make this stuff up! Linda said, “That is weird” and
walked away. I just laughed. I knew it was the Universe showing me I am absolutely in the right
place at the right time.
4) Take three breaths and change your mind. A meditation at the end of this book. This help
was given to me by Jesus one very dark night. I was so very alone (I thought). I started down the
dark spiral of misery and could not pull myself out. It was hard to breathe. It was hard to cry even. I
had hit a wall of grief and didn’t even see it coming at me. I prayed and asked for help. The
message was very soft and gentle ….”take three breaths and change your mind. My Guide was with
me for each breath. First release the cold, dark feelings. Next breath to remember. The last breath
to connect to Spirit. That simple, and that beautiful.
So please do not discount the dreams and visions. Write them down. Continue to journal and keep
a notebook by the bed at night. You know the significant dreams, you have a clear picture, words
are spelled out and they do not dissipate as you wake, they stay with you so you will write them
down. Then wait and see what unfolds. Do not try and attach to the vision or dream-because then
your mind will try and twist it up into all kinds of knots. Just relax, and see what unfolds. The
waiting is part of the enjoyment also.
Chapter 8 2005 – My Evolution Continues
May 1, 2005 - The Dream is alive and well. I am not broken after all. I feel like a pebble that has
found a niche in the River of Life. I have begun to dream again. It is time to build a new nest for
myself and my blessed basset hound Jake. It is spring after all. Many months ago I visited a small
town in coastal California. I stepped out of the car and said out loud that this was where my soul
belongs. Another billboard that my Dream is alive and well. What is the Dream? To be All that I
Can Be. To enjoy and live with verve and zest. To love a man again because I am a woman who
loves to love and I am dreaming My Dream by writing my evolution. It seems like a long road from so
long ago but it was really a blink. I learned that fear blocks love. When you approach difficult
situations with love, you succeed. Fear does not creep in or take over, it is gone entirely. My family
is healing. We are aware of the love we have for each other and the compassion to move forward
and not worry about the past. The past is only past and holds memories of loving moments. But
memories are not living. Living is sucking in a breath and blowing it out. Living is wiggling your
toes in wet grass and knowing it feels like you are walking in club soda. Living is standing next to a
jasmine plant and getting a rush from the perfume. Now is the time I begin to live again. I know that
there is a place, a time and a person just right for me (and Jake). I have written my prayers and sent
my thoughts to the Universe and trust that I am always where I need to me when I am there. So each
day I wake up and witness sunrise. I weave a tale with God while my day unfolds. I just love this
time of my life. The possibilities are truly endless!
The quest for knowledge begins. I begin to search for metaphysical workshops and teachers.
People on the path are seekers. We are looking for answers and teachers and messages. At my
first workshop I find a great book by Robert Masters, “Swimming Where Madmen Drown” which
saved me a lot of angst because I was seeing all the things he had in the book. All the shapes and
patterns and visions, all in my meditations. I felt very much at ease knowing there were other
travelers sharing this great new inner landscape.
May 6, 2005 - Writing my evolution may not be an accurate term any longer. Writing about my soul
awakening is underway. It is not a “how to” but rather a “sharing of” an experience. One that is
available to every person on this planet if they so choose. In my heart I know that the next group
will not have to suffer catastrophe or loss. They will not have to grieve until they feel like empty
shells. That is why I am here. It is why there are so very many others like me. We are paving the
road we took with Light and Love so that they do not have to fear the next step or experience the
bending and crushing death of an ego. It has started. There is frenzy in some that are filling their
Now Moments with everything they can to avoid acknowledging there is a leak in their hearts that
they cannot stop. It is just that space is being made for something better. They think a moving
target cannot get tagged so they run about like they are on some mad scavenger hunt. They really
only have to stop and look inside. Simple, elegant, God -- just like that. I reread the previous dated
entry and deleted some then nearly wiped it all out. But just to show you how things change I leave
it as it stands. I have been told that a basket has been woven and filled with all the fruits I need for
my journey. But knowing that my needs are met is not the place to stop. Now we move into
creating our stories and manifestation. Like a great tale you can weave for yourself with each new
day’s dawn. Writing my evolution is now done with a Thought. Nothing to write or tell. Others do
not need to see or hear it. It is time for me to weave some new patterns into the fabric of my life.
More later.
May 13, 2005 - He is here! My senses are alive and well. I am filled with love and life and God’s
sweet Light. It was as easy as waiting at an intersection for a bus (once my ego stepped out of the
way). Really, truly elegant-God’s Gifts are like that. Any sooner and the repairs on my leaky heart
would not have been completed. Any later, well, let’s just say I am not of great patience so I won’t
even say. Perfect timing just as it has been since the moment the seed cracked open and even
before that but I was just not aware. For now, this is the time to savor the gift of Life and Be.
June 13, 2005 - Allowing these days of Joy to wash over me like a beautiful green mountain stream.
That is how Being in Joy is, that easy. Being in Joy is being with God, remembering. That is the
choice, the free will. I chose Joy. Realizing that being a woman in grief did not fit any longer, like a
beautiful gown from long ago that sparked so many memories of great dances, but time to put away.
Joy is my new dress. Like a silky, sun-dried slip. Smooth on my skin and light as a rose
petal. This sweet and easy remembering of where I am from and why I am here, now. Sweet
times now with my friend and teacher Robert (a former monk). We are in Palm Desert, California
and I am learning and experiencing. Lessons, yes – this is the time that I am doing the work.
Today is a precious day because it is a moment I am in, here and experiencing inside and outside of
me. Blessed Be.
August 1, 2005 - We are all artists. Our thoughts are sketches. Our words are paint. Our actions
are brushes. What we place on the canvas is the gallery of our life. Each thought that contains
compassion and love makes a masterpiece. The Universe sends it back to us to view and enjoy.
Like a gallery of lessons of love. Unconditional love being the most important of the paintings we
place on the canvas because it is the kind that we let flow naturally, without force or structure or
needing anything in return. These are the masterpieces that fill the walls and surround us. Each
day I am learning more about this kind of love. Each day I receive a lesson or a masterpiece
depending upon what I created. Because we are the artists that create this gallery of illusion. Love
is All.
I did a lot of soul work in the months I spent with Robert. A lot. He was a great teacher and would
challenge me every time I started to go back down the old, worn path. But I did the work. No one
else can do the work for you. No one else can show you the easy way, you have to find your way.
When I talk about clearing I am talking about a new life landscape. The old habits and answers do
not work with an awakened soul. You cannot go back, remember? Once you have seen the Light
and know Love, you can only go forward. So you find a better path and a better way of being in
Truth. You are fine-tuned to the way you are living and feel it when the turn is right and when the
turn is wrong.
Chapter 9 2005 – I Follow the Path
August 16, 2005 - Sorting and clearing, clearing and more clearing. Now the path is being rolled
out in front of me, luscious and fertile for me to plant with the seeds of Love and Light. As more of
the beauty of the awakening appears before me, I am learning how to dust off the old bits of debris
of un-knowing. No room on the path for anything less than the Light. No room for ego, emotions,
brain games or illusion. Now is the time for the Real to Be-right in front of me every single Now
Moment. Learning how to pause, feel the Now Moment surround you and embrace the Love and
Light of the Universe-that is where the beautiful garden is located. That is where I Am. All the rest
just isn’t there, period.
August 21, 2005 - Crossroads. I am there. I asked for guidance and billboards (large with very
clear words, and big letters). I read the billboards and know that I just need to Be, Here, Present
and Now. That the next steps will be the right ones put before me by God for my path. My
billboard is to Trust and Be Here Right Now; I really don’t need to know any more than that.
2011 – You might be thinking at this point I am completely healed and grief is gone – not so my
friends! Just a point on the map – the journey continues. You know as I said earlier – the inside out
fairies have come yet again to move me in the right direction. Where I was going was not where I
needed to be. More upheaval (a bit gentler to be sure, no one died) but still upheaval. Time to move.
You may also see a softer me. Healing is happening. I am meditating regularly and meditation has
saved me, I am sure. In the space of meditation is where I learn to change my mind. To choose the
right way of being human and to think with my heart instead of my head. I no longer think of John
as “dead” because there is no death, it is just another way of being. The energy of John is there
always around me. The relationship is very different than it was, it is better because I understand he
is where he needs to be and so am I.
Chapter 10 2005 – Back to Gilroy
September 15, 2005 – I moved back in with my mother. She had since moved to Gilroy to be close
to my brothers. I am back in Gilroy one mile from my first home with John. So for a year I have
worn someone else’s life in the desert of California (or tried to). As Robert so lovingly teaches (and
he is a great teacher) trying is just that, trying, you either do or you don’t. For four months I have
tried to make the garment of new love fit. I am not ready for that yet because I am still holding onto
memories of John and these are my lessons to learn and heal. A few weeks before the move none
of the pieces of my life in the desert fit. They would not slide and join nicely together as easy and
natural. My Guides were very strong several weeks ago and I visited Gilroy, but I am quite a hard
head sometimes. The move was the right thing to do. I had to make the situation in the desert
so starkly apparent that I could not stay one more moment, that I had to leave and be where I am
now. The lessons were invaluable. Thought is a very powerful tool. Learning to discern between
the heart/mind and the ego/brain are my lessons each day. I have been shown without a doubt
though, that what you put out there as love and care comes back immediately with beautiful returns.
What you put out there in fear, ponderings of the future, wonderings about people’s feelings and
such also returns to you-with compound interest. That is what your ego manufacturers and it
affects others. So stop, look and listen to the soft voice before you think, speak or do and put an
extra touch of love in each thought, every time - because it is really like receiving a present when it
is returned. My friend Linda knows that she will always be my friend and she helped me over some
very rough times. She kept me loved, warm and fed, but in the end that I could not live her life. My
friend Robert - knows he is a Teacher of God even though we did have a different type of bond in
the relationship. I will always cherish his love and his family and his sweet dog. He knows that our
journeys are for the same goal, but we travel separate roads now. I know that I still have love for
John in my heart. It will always be there. It just is. It is not there to block new love; it is just not time
for that now.
2011 – Awakeness
September 2005 - On the drive back to Gilroy – car full of “things” and Jake – I asked John why I
was still here and he was not – right in front of me – a big, gigantic billboard advertising an insurance
man JOHN DUNNE. There it was, Truth and including a dose of the type of funny pun John would
say. I cannot tell you how relieved I was to see that sign. He was done; I still have something to do
here. Ok – I get it.
When I moved back in with Mom it was into her home in a senior living neighborhood (no one under
62 unless you are a caregiver – which I was). Jake and I moved into the loft room of this small
cottage in Gilroy. I needed a job (and fast). I did not want to ask my brothers for money. I also knew
that I could not work back in silicon valley (at software start-ups) like I used to because I needed to
go home at lunch and feed Mom and take Jake out for a walk – somewhere 5-10 minutes away
would be perfect…. After about a week I asked for help. “Help me God! I need a job close by so I
can take care of mom and Jake. A great job – doing the office mom thing that I do so well. I am
ready to work again. Please help.”
Ok …here it comes….an employment agency called within three days and found my resume on the
net, where it had been for some time. They had a client in Gilroy that had been looking for an office
manager for about three months. When I heard that the full body rush of being in the Flow just
washed over me. I told them I would take the job. They told me I needed to interview (oops, I forgot
that part). I am now the office manager and have been since September 20, 2005. A wonderful,
bright, beautiful place to work.
September 24, 2005 - Meditate, meditate, meditate. It is the only way back through the door in
your soul to the Garden. The One. The Real. Keep asking for help from the Beloveds to push
away the old, tired, false baggage you thought you were carrying like a burlap sack of bricks
because they do not exist! The patient enjoyment of Now is where the beauty is, where the
connection to your true self lives.
October 8, 2005 - I waded in the Lake of Eternity. It is real for me. Now it is all about learning that I
can go there for peace and to feel the wholeness of all I Am; love, Light and part of the life that
makes us all One. Some of us took the shortcut. The path that has hurtled us through the
awareness of our true selves in the shortest moments possible. This now is the experience of that
path and recognizing to trust that where it leads is of course the perfect place for us and allowing it
to happen. We cannot travel it by tripping over our egos or controlling the destination. The way
that has been set in front of us is of course perfect as are all of the travelers we meet on the
journey, so now we learn about being love, inside out with and everything we are. New Earth - it is
already there, the Garden; it already flourishes, the Light; it is inside of each one of us, just allow it
to shine.
October 30, 2005 - My spiral garden gets smaller. The faces look more like others I have known.
The names and connections to recent past experiences come floating up to the surface again and
again. Even songs have words that speak more clearly. This is the Oneness for me now. These
repetitions remind me that there is an intersection coming up, a crossroads and to pay attention and
take the right path. I understand now is the time to be aware of the importance of conscious
thought. Keeping the ego trimmed away and letting love through; that is when the light shines in and
I can see more clearly. Really, love is the answer to everything.
December 16, 2005 - I understand to stay in the heart space you must approach all lessons with
Love. This is how to stay in Joy. Alone or in crowds our energy is woven into the Fabric of the
Universe. This energy is creating our dynamic existence and All That Is. Learning how to focus
specifically in the Now Moments reaps many rewards of smiles, hugs, hints, messages and answers;
all for this wonderful Quest.
I will tell this simple story. I had just watched a show about being in the Now moment because there
was so much to experience there. I went to the post office to mail a letter. There were several
people in line ahead of me all talking on cell phones or gazing at the ceiling. Off to the side near the
front desk was a lady with a cane, sitting in a chair. I waiting until I got to the front of the line and
asked her if she wanted to go ahead of me. No one else had noticed her. She gave me the most
beautiful smile – like I got an “A” on the lesson….and she stepped in front of me in line. That is what
I mean by being in the Now moment. If I was talking on the phone or trying to ignore all the people
around me I would have missed her smile. Wow, what a blessing!
Learning not to put worry or fear but rather love and grace out towards an issue is a beautiful event.
Try this the next time you are approached by a situation that begins to pull you out of Joy, step
aside, breathe and allow Love to form the answer. It is truly amazing to see how quietly, quickly and
lovely the events unfold to resolve the issue. Many of us feel things are moving quickly now,
turbulent, yet still in a grand sense because we are seeing the connections forming. The same gifts
during meditations, the same astral journeys, the same acknowledgements from our Guides. It is
truly amazing as an artist to receive an email with the writing of others saying nearly exactly
something I just wrote, or a painting of Spirit with the same landscape. This is the Oneness that we
have been approaching. This is the shared experience, the conscious Thought that we have all
known. So now we continue the construction - the bridge of Light to All That Is. We know it is
there, a stairway, a bridge, a path it is all the same road to God. Whether you make it soft or hard
or full of jewels or boulders it is Your Choice.
Chapter 11 2005 – Living Again
December 24, 2005 - Here you are, Now. Directed by Spirit for a reason. How easy is it to write
your evolution? It is VERY easy. How much do you want to know? Sitting back and letting the
events unfold is one way, but living your way through the events that unfold with a robust respect for
All That Is another. With every thought we create. With every thought based in love we create a
change in the conscious perception that we are living in with others. How did I get here from way,
way down at the bottom of that chasm of grief so long ago? God brought me here. The unfolding
of my spiritual awakening took me to Now, this moment. Here is where I begin to create something
new and beautiful for all; which in turn creates something beautiful for me. When I try building new
events in my life the old way they do not work, the ego-building thought processes collapse upon
themselves all over the place. The Universe sends me a squeeze play of unbelievable proportions
(never more than I am capable of handling - that is the God part). So I am pushed, cajoled and
catapulted into the next phase of this evolution just where I am supposed to be.
When the Thought is precipitated with something that will benefit the Light Work, the Purpose and
Mother Earth it shouts with success from beginning to completion. Never ending, because we are
forever eternal. Moving to Gilroy to help my Mother take care of herself- score. Asking the
Universe for a job to help care for my Mother and dog - score. Asking the Universe for a place to
teach botanical art one morning a week – did that in Morgan Hill for a while - score. See how it
works? Staying in Palm Desert, living with my very dear friend (in her life, not mine) did not work.
Staying in Palm Desert with my friend Robert (a courageous and wonderful healer/teacher) did not
work. In these moments I felt like I was wearing a shoe that did not fit. I love them dearly. It was
just a turn in the path.
I also met several wonderful Lightworkers in the Coachella Valley (which means - The Hand of God)
during my year there. I still know this was not the place for me, not now. So here I am in Gilroy
starting fresh and new and writing my evolution by listening very closely, reading the signs and
billboards that lead me to the next miracle, received with gratitude.
January 1, 2006 - Gateways and doors are opening. I will not roll along on a conveyor belt and
experience it like a slide show. Focus on this moment and find the miracles that are strewn about.
Like an egg hunt, a quest. I am gathering them together. All the fruit of my basket. Gratitude and
Love. I gather more, I give more. I am told to Be Love. Just that, so very easy and it took me just a
moment to hear it when I finally listened. Be Love, period.
Chapter 12 2006 - Going Deep – Notice Now
January 19, 2006 - My soul has no noise. It is like a pine needle on a branch among many held aloft
by a giant tree. Quiet, still, silent, being.
February 21, 2006 - Two years ago on this night I held John’s hand and felt his soul depart. Two
years ago I heard him take his last breath on this earth. Two years ago my lovely husband left, he
is with God. Two years this journey of soul survival through the illusions of pain, grief and despair.
Then the joy of Cracking the Seed and opening up to what is real, what is within us to become All
That Is. Many gifts and signs from the Beloveds and Guides to help me on this way. They are
there all the time; it is in the remembering that you find them and feel the Love embrace you like silk
and velvet. There are phrases I hear, songs that are played, signs in the clouds, nature and even
on billboards. But only when you NOTICE NOW. That is where these miracles await your glance.
These are the things that connect us to oh, so much more than this dimension. Do I still love
John? Definitely. He is one of my best guides still. But to love something unconditionally you must
set it free so I do this tonight with love. I start a new day NOW. I will not use the anniversary of John’
s passing as a marker anymore. I will use NOTICE NOW as my new anniversary and count the
blessings I find in each moment of this quest. Loving through all conditions is the only way. That is
my goal, to Be Love.
With my heart in this space I shared many very precious moments with my Mother. She was aging
with dementia. I would sit at the foot of her bed at night and share an orange with her and we would
share stories. Sometimes she would ask me if this is a dream. Sometimes she would tell me she felt
very close to Nonni (her mother). It was a very soft time.
Some nights she would invite the neighbor ladies over for tea and cookies. I would serve them all
and sit and listen while they would share stories with each other. These elderly ladies were all living
in different houses but next door to each other. Watching them just light up at being with someone
to talk to at night was an amazing glimpse – really they just did not want to be separated, they
wanted to be with someone and share the experience.
My mother told the ladies she was a botanical artist and would teach them how to draw flowers –
great lesson in the oneness of us all, she already got it!
March 12, 2006 – I chose the fast track. I know why. It was the fastest way to get back to Source.
This is something I would have done, no question. Patience is the most difficult lesson of all for me.
Not grief, not being alone, not having or not going or not anything else as they are all part of the
illusion and fairly easy to surrender these days. But patience, waiting, and knowing that Divine
Timing is always right - I know these things, yet I struggle with... so why not right now? I am here to
be love and I am here to help. I know that I Am. I am here to learn lessons and thank the Universe
for all the lessons that I have received. It is done. Patience and gratitude for this lesson and oh yes,
I know that great things are worth waiting for and that just as you turn the corners you always look
back in gratitude and know that timing is always perfect. That while you were turning that corner
you thought you had spun out of control. What is really is Divine Timing and letting God steer the
sharp corners on this path. So I am still on the fast track. I did not even know what a chakra was
two years ago. I did not know of vortexes and energy healers and Lightworkers and I did not even
recognize all the Beloveds assisting me to that point. They are there and I have gratitude for the
beauty and healing they have given to me. I understand exactly what I am supposed to understand
at this point in the journey, perfect timing again! Grief, it was a tool to crack my seed. It does not
need to be a crowbar or a hammer; it can be a nutcracker or a tap of your finger. It is a matter of
choice.
Chapter 13 2006 – Finding Laura
March 29, 2006 - A time of learning and much more. Learning how to be my most honest self. The
Laura inside of me that has always known what makes me soar, sing and feel the strength of all the
Angels that surround me. It has been a long road remembering this during the past two years.
Most of the Truth comes from inside out. From love, meditations and God’s direction with signs as
big as billboards. I still feel connected to John; naturally 22 years together and this is where the
remembering came in - who was I before John, before we met? What did I like to do by myself, for
myself? Seems ages ago those answers were so easy, but after so long with someone that shared
nearly each and every moment and thought with me, I forgot who Laura was, I only remembered
Laura and John. So I am remembering. I love myself, just as I am. I loved being a part of a couple,
and someday I will have that again. I loved being a wife and friend and lover. I love humor, dry and
witty. I love intelligence; pointed and focused without arrogance. I love God and I love the spiritual
awakening that has been gifted to me during my grieving process. I love the spiritual family that has
grown and brightened my life over the past two years. I know Laura is back. I know where I am
from and where to go for peace and joy, inside. It was there all the time, I just had to remember.
I hope to do a book about grief and soul awakening (and here it is). About how I survived the
complex and catastrophic emotions that I carried during this transition.
I would never dare to tell someone in grief how to grieve. I would like to teach the family and friends
on the periphery of grieving people learn a better way to help. They run and hide. They are the
ghosts, not the departed ones. What about a new way to deal with people in grief - to love them.
To be there, present and available each and every day during this event. Don't drop them a line,
drop in. Create consolidated, strong and loving groups of family or surrogate family or friends and
make room in their busy lives for the survivor. Create a safe and nurturing haven of unconditional
love, no judgment and no boundaries. Observers may have many ideas and thoughts and advice;
but they fall very short to someone who is in the know about this event. It is better to not even
guess. Just give unconditional love. It is not an expensive commodity.
2011 – I will speak a bit more to you in grief and to those helping the ones grieving. During the grief
counseling sessions I attended for six weeks, one of the widows asked why there was so little written
about the loss of a spouse. I told her I thought that since only 50% of the couple has to withstand
the grief (and we don’t know which 50% that is in advance) so why give up the good times thinking
about that? It seemed like the right answer for me and still holds true. Do not give time over to fear
or thoughts of the future. That is where you give your power away.
For the family and friends of those in grief - if you have not experienced this loss, do not judge. Do
not give advice. Do not! You have no idea of what you are talking about and I cannot and will not
give time in this healing book to explain albeit to say it is a place so very dark and cold that you
should just shut up. Sounds harsh because I am adamant about people thinking they know how to
help by giving advice. So be very careful and speak only words of love or hold out your hand
instead and a strong shoulder to cry upon – that is all we really want during this process.
Funny when widows/widowers get together advice is the single most apparent thing by its absence –
they never give advice. They just nod and say “oh”. We each have our own story about the grief;
we do not judge or try and “one-up” each other. We just nod and hug. We know there is no advice,
there is only love.
Chapter 14 Standing in Trust
April 26, 2006 - This is a time for blossoms. Notice Now - that is where the intersect connections are
happening. Build Peace in your thoughts and words with Love, that is the food of our souls.
May 6, 2006 – Oneness. As massive as all the galaxies in the universe. As small as a pine needle.
Where even silence is still.
May 11, 2006 - Joy. Waking up happy. Waking up next to someone you love (Universe is working
on that one for me). Sunrise. A fun day of work. Gardening. Walking the basset hound. Having my
mother and father still here to hug. Joy.
May 31, 2006 - Back to Being Love. The relationship of my creations to what my heart desires
bends and flexes like a sapling in a high wind. Leading now with Spirit as my Guide showing me
where my heart can breathe.
June 15, 2006 - I am blessed with many gifts. My soul is showing me where home is now.
June 20, 2006 - A great lesson received - manifest with trust and dream with intention for my highest
and best with the knowledge that the Universe will absolutely provide the most beautiful outcome.
When I try and mix it up myself, it only dilutes the Truth.
It is time for me to move out of my mother’s home. Time for me to again pass the baton to my
brothers to care for my mother. Her care has become a group project and the only way for them to
get the message was for me to leave, so I did. They got the message and she has the caregivers
she needs. I knew it was time and asked again for help. Please – a room to rent with a gentle
being and a great place for Jake to run in the backyard free to explore.
I found the place, the only place on craigslist that was “dog friendly” and turns out she is a like-
minded soul and healer. (Now a great friend). It also turned out her father and my father knew
each other in Fresno many years ago – what a small world it is after all.
September 17, 2006 - It has been sometime since my last entry. Moving, computer repairs and such.
Much as happened and the attachments to the past-me are falling away like the leaves of a tree.
There is a new dream, a new desire. Yes, I tried using old roads to get there, but I came back to the
still self, the soft essence of me and the dream. So I continue on that journey now. I will have all the
love that I had before along with gratitude and the realization of bliss of Source.
September 18, 2006 - Writing my evolution. Writing words, painting pictures, dreaming dreams,
thinking thoughts and loving All That Is. It is what is inside of me that counts, the essence, the spirit,
the light. All That I Am. Creating each moment with care and love. Be-ing in each moment and
Noticing Now.
September 27, 2006 - People around me have been asking questions this week. Seeking,
searching. Knowing there is more, but trying to get rid of old ways. Beautiful moments where a few
soft words and guiding Light to them - then they glow. Like they are getting it, softly and sweetly.
October 4, 2006 - Loving from the inside-out. It is not like it used to be at all. I loved from the
outside in - John, then my family, my pets, my garden and then myself. In that order. That is the old
way. What I saw in front of me I loved or not and those were the choices. Now understanding how
all that is in front of me got there makes loving from the inside-out the only way. My own thoughts,
words and actions are the creations of my reality. I own that responsibility. I had to learn to love
from the inside out. First myself and unconditionally, as God loves me. Now I understand in order to
recognize the magnificence of All That Is, I must learn to love myself unconditionally, then share that
love with every single being that exists. Their perfection and divinity is just as wondrous as mine, a
glorious lesson. Guess what? It really is easy now. I love all those folks that come to show up in
my life because they are perfect, beautiful lessons and gifts depending on what I am open to in that
moment. When I open to the possibilities that special voice that is really Who I Am rings true and
clear and joyful and excited; really excited about these possibilities. These are what were absent
during the healing time. Now I will love from the inside-out. I will share the messages of love and
sweet Light with those that touch my time, here, Now.
October 24, 2006 - What a beautiful dream I have. I am making a New Life, now. Dreaming how it
is to unfold. This is not a dream of past dreams. That cannot be. So now, knowing what I know I
dream sweet dreams of glorious gardens, lovely waterfalls and beautiful mountains. Dreams of a
new partner coming to meet me on this path. Knowing, trusting and loving all the steps I have taken
to get to this place. I have been led along this path by my Guides and Angels showing me signs
along the way always. A grand and amazing quest. I just had to learn to stop rushing through it, to
look and listen. My book title is “Cracking the Seed.” It is the story of the opening of my soul
flower. I am listening to the voice inside of me that has throughout this lifetime whispered for a
while, screamed for a while and now gently nudges me more closely to the Light that is inside of
me. Understanding that each journey (experience) is perfect and right in timing and blessings I will
still share this story. If I can help others open up to All That Is with a soft nudge instead of ripping
and tearing even better. Remember this; the only thing that is real is LOVE. Total, unconditional
LOVE. There are a lot of us out there right now this very minute standing at the edge of what is the
most totally amazing shared experience. I would like to give gratitude and love to all the other
travelers that have shared moments with me during the past two plus years. That is why I trust that
things are perfect. I am not the only one flowing along in this river. I get a message, then an
affirmation - that others get the same message at the same time. That is the One Consciousness.
The being in the flow and hearing the messages. We are all together on the quest and building a
bridge of Love between us is the only way to ease the path for everyone. Loving without judgment
or fear. It gets easier, believe it, but it takes practice and conscious effort to think every thought with
love, every word with love and every action with love for yourself and the other guy. There is no one
on the Bridge – there is only ONE. There is no separate identity. I did not know what Awe was until
last year. Total, uncontrolled Awe. That is what we are remembering. Where we come from and
why we can’t replicate it in our daily lives through external experience is because it is inside, deep
inside and only when you are still do you hear the message.
November 15, 2006 -It slowly seeps in, like a beautiful wave rolling over you, like stepping into a
warm and fragrant bath. The knowing that everything you need is already inside. The knowing that
all you have to do is reach for it when it starts to subside and pull it back into your heart. The
knowing that all the love you need to create the most beautiful universe of days you can imagine is
as close as a breath away. Take a deep breath. See the Light that is You.
Chapter 15 2006 – My Soul Friend
December 14, 2006 – God, please bring me my heart’s desire and move me to a place where my
soul will sing.
January 11, 2007 - Anam Cara (Gaelic for Soul Friend) these beautiful words visited me today.
These are the times of building new and special relations with Anam Cara, with who we really are,
with our entire soul families - monads. The karmic layers are lying about my feet. They no longer
serve my highest and best. This is a time for the butterfly, the blossom and sunrise. To paint
beautiful colors and write about Light. To tell the story and let others meet themselves without
knowing the experience of loss, it is not necessary any longer. There are so many Light Guides and
Lightworkers laying bridges for All. The path is no longer sharp and dark; it is wondrous and full of
life and love. So take a step, trust that gentle voice you hear, it is the one that speaks Truth. It is
You. The best of the journey is right here, now.
January 22, 2007 - Loving from the inside out. I am asleep no more. I am awake and alive and
feeling the most fresh and beautiful feelings inside. Tingles, heat, soul fire, love. So now begins a
new story. A new way of Being. A new way of learning how things in this time work together; with love
- pure, unconditional love. I have met a wondrous soul, gifted from the Universe. Loving him from the
inside out; it is the only way it would work with me now. I understand that very clearly. Inside is
where the Truth lives. Inside is where the eternal being that I am glows and dances and smiles. I am
breathing from the inside out; I am living from the inside out. I am loving from the inside out.
January 27, 2007 - Today is my new birthday. He is here now. A magical, mystical man of love and
sweetness. A soul that has known mine for many times. Ancient knowing and learning new at the
same time. My senses are alive and bursting with discoveries. We start a new journey of hearts and
souls -- writing and painting and loving our evolution in these new days ahead. I love you mystical
man.
February 1, 2007 - A new life begins. The core of me is connected to this beautiful man. My Soul
Flame - we have danced across the stars before. We have been in this faery tale many times. Here
we are now, loving and living and making a new space for Us. In this special time of Love and Light
we are here to celebrate and share.
February 6, 2007 - My soul knows. This is where the Truth lives. I am so much in Love. My
gentle man, huge soul, brilliant heart; we are together now. This is one of those moments; you
know where destiny meets dream and the angels sing. The universe applauds. We have listened
with our hearts. We did not fail the dream. We were persistent and vigilant in our pursuit even when
others questioned it. We knew this; we both said goodbye to loved ones, nurtured and care for
them until their end days here on this planet. Then we grieved, we walked the sharp path alone
and unhugged for many months. We healed with the help of Father Mother God; we healed the
hearts we thought were broken and shredded until they shone bright and new again. We
believed. We knew in our hearts we were meant to share this beautiful journey with another love.
We believed even after walking the path of what we thought was loss; that it would happen again but
yet different this time, because we are so very different. Our souls are cracked open; wide and full of
an endless supply of Light and Love. We are together now. To share this beautiful time with each
other. To help others by shining the Light of the Dream. Dreams always come true in their perfect
time. He is here now; in perfect time for us to dream more dreams together.
March 1, 2007 - I am listening to the Universe. I am learning to understand why this moment in my
life feels like a squeeze play. I am asking for the Light Guides to help me live for my highest and
best and recognizing if it doesn’t fit, it doesn’t fit. In fact their answer was to look at it from another
way; turn it inside out, upside down and really try it on. I do know this method - when you love
something you set it free, if it is meant to be with you it will be. So I set my love for him free and let
the Universe move the puzzle pieces where they must be for the Divine Plan. I learned about how I
love; it is a dream of phenomenal commitment, unconditional love and beauty. The love I have to give
is vast; there are no boundaries or conditions. I know what it feels like, because I had it before and I
will have it again because of that blessing .And so when it fits, the Universe expands and lives slide
together without seams or stretch marks a natural way.
March 17, 2007 - Blessings and Lessons – I dream of hosting an art gym. I love this new part of my
life. This is something very special. Art heals. Holding a space open for people to come and work on
their own creative projects together. A place where we will all benefit from sharing the skills and
knowledge. I am in Joy. Lessons and finding the blessings in the lessons and the time with my
mystical soul man. This was so very special like a beautiful flower that waited for the sunshine to
blossom and shine, and then the cycle was over. A beautiful, sweet and loving gentleman that came
into my heart and soul and loved me as I loved him. That was the blessing. The lesson; I am still
working through and understanding that we have our Truths; that is the part of this journey where
we know what rocks our world and what does not. This clarity and learning to live in that Truth is the
lesson. If we cannot live our Truth, then we will continue to repeat lessons until we get it. Things
have happened to me in the past three years that are beyond word descriptions. I do know that
during the times I have felt the squeeze it was to move me to another place on the path and
immediately upon releasing what was making the squeeze something perfect was in front of me. I
felt the squeeze with him. I do not know why the geography of our lives could not be corrected but I
do not need to know why. I just know it felt like a squeeze. I would rather hold onto the love I feel
for him and recognize his journey is as perfectly written as mine; this is just not a journey we will take
together. That is unconditional love; it feels very right and comfortable. So this squeezing and
releasing to me are the cycles of creation, the creation of the path that I choose to be on during this
time, here and now. Gaining clarity now, I know that I am creating the path and accept responsibility
for the smooth and the rough spots equally. Recognizing more with each moment that Joy is the
goal and I move closer to that with each loving step I take.
I spent a few short weeks with this loving soul friend. We read poetry and went on great feast
quests and made love. We remembered and loved and laughed and shared stories. When it was
over there was no drama or hurt, it just was done. We knew it was a soul meeting, a visit and then
we moved on.
March 27, 2007 - I am hearing the same stories out there. It is a yearning for places of community
for folks to share living together. There was a time when we thought solitude and quiet space was
the only way we could find ourselves. We now know we can get that by meditation, going inside and
finding the all-one-ness instead of aloneness. It is the day-to-day experience that is calling for more
community relationships, more life sharing. It is time for us to build community based living
experiences for people in different growth / changes during a lifetime. I see it for people in grief.
There is a huge population of baby boomers approaching that point in life where they could lose a
long time partner. These are the folks that need to start the group home environment. Where
meals would not have to be standing near the kitchen sink for five minutes. Where actually talking
about the deep, dark pit of grief is absolutely ok… there is nothing you cannot say to another
widow/er that is forbidden, you see we know everything in the grief process is ok, and there are no
rules. So sharing the experience (as I do now with some others) adds a certain softness to it
because it is real and we survived. Same goes for our elders. They are shoved into singular
complex boxed homes or apartments alone and frightened because moving an elderly person in
some confusion causes even more fear and confusion to them. Why not put them together, like
minded elders so they can share caregivers, chefs and drivers in a group home? Again, a shared
experience bonds them together. The changes of their life similar to others keeps them stronger
and more present in the moment because of the sharing. This is part of the reason for the art gym.
To compare tips and techniques in art and creating. A space where art is created but it is also a
soft, gentle place to share this life experience. Then take it and apply it to the single parents and,
oh, would they be in joy to share resources that are probably so stretched? The children would
have the luxury of time with their parent, a parent relaxed and ready to fully participate in their life.
These are not just words; these are thoughts about looking at new ways of living together. This is
the time to explore all the possibilities and make changes. Thoughts become our reality, we just
have to wish.
Chapter 16 2007 – Sharing Words
May 8, 2007 - I would like to dedicate today to Jake, my 10 year old basset hound who crossed over
the Rainbow Bridge this morning. This dog was a loyal and loving friend. He taught me about
unconditional love, always greeting me in the morning with a wagging tail and curling up with me at
night. He was a miracle to me. A life raft in stormy seas, never an anchor. I celebrate his life,
this gentle master of love and happiness. Goodnight sweet Jake. I love you very much. Thank
God for allowing me to share time with this beautiful soul.
May 20, 2007 - Healing Light Meditation
There are many writings about this and it is called many things. It is all about balance. It is all about
remembering the positive, perfect being that You Are. There are energies that intersect with us
during each day. This is an exercise in shielding, clearing and then connecting to our Higher
Self. That little voice you hear is the Truth. That soft, perfect Truth that sometimes seems like
synchronicity or destiny. It is your Higher Self answering a question or helping with directions. We
are blessed to have Angels and Guides that are here to help so just ask. If you feel stuck or a
negative feeling or emotion bubbles up that is a stepping stone. You feel it, so now you clear it away
and pull in the Light. This Light is your connection to Source, God the Divine and All That Is. You
are a Child of God, a Child of Creator Light and Perfect Love and Joy. This is about remembering.
Shielding - Close your eyes and ask your Angels for a cone of White Divine Light of protection.
Imagine this Light swirling and spiraling from the top of your head around your body and under your
feet. Beautiful spirals of white light wrapping around you. When you have felt this complete, thank
the Angels and tell them you love them.
Clearing - This statement – “Archangel Michael, please cut any cords and ties that have attached
themselves to me that are less than the Light of God. Please send these immediately back up to
God to be cleansed and purified.” Thank Michael and tell him you love him. You can expand if you
wish
“Archangel Michael, please cut any cords that have attached themselves to me from negative
thoughts, fears, ego, energy poachers, psychic intruders, hooks, hitchhikers and anything less than
the Light of God. Please send these immediately back up to God to be cleansed and purified.”
Thank Michael and tell him you love him.
Connecting Light - We are always connected. This is a visual meditation to remember and balance
your auric field and within (the subtle body is four elements - Spiritual, Mental, Emotional and
Physical). Each element of your Self is as important as the next. Breathe deeply in through your
nose and release through your mouth. Sit in a chair or on the floor or lie on a bed - your choice.
“Please connect me to Gaia. Pulling golden healing feminine energy Light from the Center of Mother
Earth through my feet up into my heart chakra (heart space).” Imagine golden swirling light; golden
warm light from the center core (heart of Mother Earth) to you - brilliant and liquid Light filling you;
spiraling in your heart space. Say, “Thank you. I Love You.”
“Connect with my Divine Self please.” Imagine a cord of platinum white Light coming from the top of
your head and flowing into your heart space. These golden and white lights now blending in your
heart space. Say “Thank you. I Love You.” Expand this Light. Feel it flowing freely through you like
a River of Light. Feel it flow to those areas of Self where it is needed. Imagine it filling those
spaces.
Now imagine your Light expanding out in an oval or spherical shape surrounding your entire Being.
Continue to breathe. Feel the light increasing and expanding - filling you, healing you and
clearing you. Bringing balance and connection to All That Is.
May 25, 2007 - My garden - a moonlight bridge in a white flower forest.
August 6, 2007 - I know this, why I Am Here. For Love. To soften the way for the next group. So
they do not have to experience the tidal wave. The sweeping away of everything in their life so their
soul seed can blossom. That was my journey. Mine and many others. We have smoothed the rocks
and sharp edges of the path. The way is made now with love and Light, soft and gentle. It is just
for the asking and it is there. Beautiful Light and love. Here and now.
October 20, 2007- I Am a chalice of lace, so that all things that fill me will be shared.
January 2, 2008 - I have loved so hard and deep that the echo of it still rings through the Universe.
That is not a bad thing. It means I know love. To know love means I will have it again because I will
recognize it. It is time to love again.
2011 – In January of 2008 I wrote a note to the Universe. I had rented a room at two places since
moving out of my Mother’s in 2006. It was time to make a home for myself. I wrote this letter,
“Please make me a place in the forests, near the ocean where I can bring all of my things from the 7
x 10 storage space in Palm Desert back together with the things I have now into a living space of my
own. A place to rent where I can be me. A week later I sat next to a friend of mine in a small local
church of like-minded souls. She asked me if I had found a place to live yet. I told her that I was
looking. She asked what I was looking for and I told her what my note said. She said she had a
cottage in the woods, with ocean breezes, and it is being painted right as we spoke. I told her I
would take it. She asked me if I wanted to see it, I said ok – but I know it is going to be even better
that what I dreamed it would be. It was and is and I live there today. My perfect fairy cottage in the
woods, 550 square feet where everything fit perfectly together when I moved them all back together.
A great place for living, being, writing and painting.
January 20, 2008 - Every time I ask for a sign it is there. Every time I ask for help it is there. These
are the kisses from Heaven. The touches that let me know We Are Loved.
March 12, 2008 - I held my breath while I waited for him to leave. I nursed him with unconditional
love until he left this place. I held him until he let go, then I let go. I had to learn to breathe again. I
am breathing deeply now. Breathing my own life.
May 13, 2008 – Gratitude to the Universe - Thank you for the journey! I thought it was a long road
to get here. Now I know it was all for love, it was not so very long at all.
June 24 2008 - Some days I feel like a crayon. Coloring my way through this book. Filling in spaces
with color and light. Softening the hard edges.
June 27, 2008 - I met myself, and I Am Love.
Chapter 17 2008 – Making Space to Grow
For my mother Gina, who passed into the Light on August 22, 2008 with her family present
Leaving Gently © Laura Hamill 2008
Thank you, Mom, for leaving gently. Each time you stepped away from something we did together
we set it aside and went to the next best thing to share. Soon I realized that we were no longer doing
things together because you had stepped into another world, a place of peace where you could rest.
Even when you could not remember my name, you still introduced me as your friend. Each time you
stepped away you made the path to this moment soft and easy. Thank you for helping me see the
miracle of your journey.
2011 – I want to say a bit more about having a mother with dementia. I spent a lot of time with her
and her changing journey. Toward the end of her time I spent very little time with her, I could not
understand why she was still here in the physical and yet her spirit so very removed from us. I
stayed away because she cried when she saw me and got upset. I stayed away because I didn’t
know her anymore. When I recognized this was her perfect journey, a script and experience she
came here to have, she left. Then I realized she stayed to teach me that incredible lesson. She
stayed until I understood about it being her experience; she stayed until I could finally understand
that lesson. That is what I mean about looking at events and experiences through love. Even when
I thought not going to visit her was for love, it really wasn’t the picture at all. It was about love – it
was a lesson in understanding the completeness of unconditional love.
September 14, 2008 - I will always have this to give, to receive and in endless supply – Love
2011 – Awakeness
September 22, 2008 - Grid Sliding - I was with a small group – two or three others. We were
practicing entering the grid. I was showing them how to slim down the light to smoothly enter and exit
the grid with little or no disruption to the “system” and “self” while doing this. My light was pink. I was
aware of that. Also, as I left the grid they expressed how there was no note of it, it was not even a
blip to disrupt the power or flow. I asked them to remember as they exited what they could – that
would be important because they were bringing in bits and pieces of others that have been /
departed the grid…
For me, it was a matter of slimming – making light achieve the same flow, size, pattern as what was
entered and same upon exiting.
We also waited until the system was on a slow-down – like interrupt-off to enter – that way our
entrance did no disruption. I left while the others of our group were still connected, and one did note
when I left it did not raise attention.
September 16, 2008 - This story that is my story is a beautiful tale about love and compassion.
Those are the tools that we have been given. So it begins, this new and wonderful life, a life of love
and happiness. Joy and bliss, humor and tenderness, gentle caring and compassion, careful in
thought and deed like never before because I now understand how these really do make themselves
become my reality. Notice Now. I create Love.
October 16, 2008 - I am walking on clouds. I am completely in a state of love and trust. Surrendering
the dreams I have to the Universe because I know that the dreams grow ever so much more lovely
and perfect when I release the outcome to the perfection of the Divine Plan. That is really how it
works. I grow a thought, like a seed. Then I dream the thought into more awareness of where that
thought gives me joy. Then I release the seed of Joy into the awareness of knowing that the Source
of my Light knows the perfect plan for me to experience. When I try and sculpt that seed with my
thinking mind instead of my knowing heart, it is always just misses. When I allow it to grow and
move into perfection, well I have one word WOW! This has happened many times since I became
awake and aware, so I am dreaming with my heart, dreaming the thought into that seed of Joy.
Knowing I am ready to love again, to have that perfect soul mate step into my life to share this Joy.
Growing the seed with Love. I Am writing my evolution.
November 19, 2008 - Dream mapping. I am climbing a beautiful mountain with you and mapping the
places of views and rest; mapping the trail for the next travelers. What a beautiful experience.
February 6, 2009 - Pearls. In each lifetime there are relationships, like rings that connect. With
those relationships are the pearls of wisdom. In each lifetime we learn and extend our experience
through those relationships -- loving, lessons and we grow. Now we understand it is very easy to stay
present, aware and awake. The signs are abundant and easily seen when we remain in that joy of
knowing. The pearls are all around; the lessons are so much easier now. Love is the answer,
forever and always the greatest pearl of all.
April 15, 2009...Yed Prior - Left Hand of the Healer - oh what a great story!
2011 - Awakeness – Here is another story to share. In meditation in 2004 I was given an invitation
with 5 numbers and told to wear a transparent raincoat, no animal skin would be allowed at the
airport. I took this literally (ok, still a newbie then!). I purchased transparent raincoat at the sporting
goods store and went to the Palm Springs Airport (it was indeed pouring rain). Nothing happened. I
went home, looked up the zip code for these numbers and heard this – “think bigger!” I went back
into meditation and asked for my guide to be with me on the journey – wherever it would be. I was
brought to this star/planet, a colony of healers by art. I was greeted by Joseph (of the many colored
coat). Brilliant lights flowing through his cloak in colors I do not yet know. I was gently admonished
for not proceeding with my art. The message was loving and yet it was a reminder of why I am here
– to help people heal with art. Art healed me of the dystonia (I forgot). Art helped me heal after
John died (I forgot). I returned from this astral travel with another layer of knowing what greatness
and beauty exists and there are no boundaries, only those we make.
Later I looked up the numbers in the star maps. The numbers are the designation for Yed Prior –
the star at the left hand of Sign of Ophiucus, the 13th sign of the Zodiac, the sign of the Healer.
This 13th sign of the Zodiac has just become visible after many eons because of the “tilt” of Mother
Earth has recently experienced.
June 18, 2009 - See with your heart. Love everything. Forgive anything that causes you discomfort.
These simple acts create new magnificence.
June 21, 2009 - for Dad on Father's Day because he is one of the Golden Folk
Dad: On this Father’s Day I thank you for showing me that giving is really living. I can see all the gifts
you and Jeri give to your family and community. The giving of your time and beautiful foods; both
hold so much care for everything around you. And I thank you for helping me find a way to learn
about the earth and my community with the agriculture group. The meetings and tours have helped
me know so much more about the people that really are making a difference in the way we parent
the earth and feed our community. It is all really about unconditional love and thank you for helping
me understand that lesson. It is the best of all. It is not something you can write about or learn
from a book, it is something you experience because someone, like you, has given it with soft words
and actions. When you experience unconditional love in an unawakened state it is a great feeling.
When you experience unconditional love in an awakened state it is like all the bells and whistles of
the Universe ping, all the lights turn on and you feel grace from the inside out. Thank you for
teaching me to see with my heart.
July 3, 2009 - Cambria overnight. This is where I write my dream; speak it out loud to the Universe
and I Know. I thank the Universe for this trip; which did so much for my heart and soul; this Cambria
place is so very clear like a wishing well for me. Now I release my dream to the Universe and Know.
July 16, 2009 - I am a bridge. A rainbow bridge of Love and Light. I was looking for the other
shore to complete the bridge. Then I realized when I stopped looking I had already found it. I was
already there. I am complete.
August 12, 2009 - Driving home tonight I noticed the sky looked like Heaven. As I got to the top of
the hill the message was “Welcome to Heaven. All you have to do is change the way you think
about it.”
August 15, 2009 - I sat in the Avenue of the Giants today. The ancient redwoods in California. They
told me this: One little tree makes a forest. One helping hand heals the world. One heartfelt
thought makes love.
August 26, 2009 - Someone told me they were in grief today; they said not the kind I experienced,
however, grief none-the-less. There is no way to measure or judge grief. Once you had
experienced grief this is the deepest knowing of it. You never stand it up against someone else's
grief to see who has more. You never judge if what someone is feeling is really grief or not. This is
the first lesson of grief. Complete acceptance and love for anyone in grief. Taking that lesson out
over a five year period I understand this is where I learned unconditional love. The lessons and
tests still arrive. Unconditional love is the only answer. I cannot judge anyone because that is really
judging me. I cannot get angry at anyone because I am only hurting myself. There is a way to
speak my truth through a loving and compassionate heart. Today I spoke to someone in haste with
much frustration. All that did was bring me more of what I was feeling. I should have sat and taken
a few breaths. I forgot just for a moment. In that moment I was not in my heart. Tonight I know
tomorrow will bring an apology and forgiveness. They go together. So once more with all my heart I
know love is the only way to answer anything. This is the only tool that works all the time and makes
miracles.
August 28, 2009 - Mt. Shasta - The rocks and stones remember the heat at their center that gave
them birth. They will support you.
Awakeness
September 8, 2009 –The Dinner Party Dream - I made a vessel from ground crystals spun into a
beautiful cylinder to serve. Seated at the table were six others. I poured out beautiful light
structures from the serving vessel, different patterns for each being. The patterns were of sacred
geometries combining straight line light structures, spirals and geometrics all connected. The
servings were not quite touching the plane of the table top. It was a very beautiful feast; food of life
was served.
September 16, 2009 - Last night the forest where I live was showing me so much love coming
through ...love so very vast there are no words built yet for this experience. This is one of those
times that only tears could express what I was feeling. I would like to say more about this but
cannot. The love that is out there is so big it knocks me over when I really reach out and touch it.
There is nothing else that matters when you touch that love, nothing at all. It is everything and All
That Is.
Awakeness
October 26, 2009 - Loving touches. During dreamwork I was gently smoothing mountain ranges.
There were several in various colors. Blue range, violet range and so on. As I was smoothing the
mountains I was sobbing. These were deep soul sobs, like a cleansing wash during the gentle and
loving touches I was applying. At the end, I was crystal. All clear.
October 28, 2009 - Entered the River of Life (Light). This elegant and complex river of patterns
and lights was an entirely different place that I had previously experienced in the grid. This was the
place of Creation. There was a vast feeling of connection to everything. I asked to see a dream
come true. As I was observing (while and being a part of the river) there were explosions of light.
These were the connections that formed the fruition of a dream as it becomes a reality. The patterns
were so intricately woven, like complex embroidery of silver and white light in a soft gentle
background, always moving and forming new and even more beautiful patterns. There were areas
of different colored light. These I perceived to be my gentle Guides and others that I know in this
lifetime. There was no difference between ones that have passed over or not, we were all very
present and completely a part of this river. This is an entirely new place for me to experience fully
awake during meditation. It was a place to dream and drift. To remember my connection to
Everything and All That Is, forever and eternally, sharing my breath.
Awakeness
January 1, 2010 – Dreamscape- I was visiting a historical place with a wide expanse of gravel
entryway in beautiful colors of terracotta. The temple had two domes and in the center of the
domes was an emblem, an ancient glyph. There were a dozen people taking pictures of this
emblem and monument. I felt the need to be on the ground. I lay down on the gravel expanse in
perfect alignment with the emblem. Face up, feet towards the monument. This was not unusual,
the other visitors did not mind me, and they just gave me space. This was a place of perfect
balance. This was the place that brought me into complete balance and oneness. I could feel the
energy flowing from that sign directly to me. There was no separation from anything.
June 4, 2010 - I did not realize it had been so long since my last post. I have been working on my
book. In the meantime please let me share this writing. This was from a writer’s workshop I have
recently attended. Our exercise was to choose an item of nature from the center table and write
about it. A small piece of granite from the far side of the table called to me. I picked it up and this
is the story:
Ancient Stone © Laura Hamill 2010
In this place where I was born, there is a sense of timelessness. I started as fire, deep within the
heart of a great mother. The fire grew to become a huge explosion and I felt air and water and wind
and became part of the landscape. Soaring cliffs of granite. Stone made smooth by countless
centuries of water and wind. Pieces of me would break apart and fall and become a great mountain.
The wind would blow seeds and trees would grow next to me. Some so large I would not see the sun
shine. Then these beautiful animals started to visit me. They would rest in my arms and make
smooth places to sit. They would give birth around me and all of a sudden I would feel new and
precious young ones dancing on me. What a delightful dance. These are some of my best
memories. The sharing of water, wind and place with these things that are so alive they move and
dance and make sweet noises to each other. I am so happy to share myself and this place of me
with them. Then some others came. They were very intent on changing me. They came to my place
and made cuts and holes around me. They started to add heavy pieces of trees that had fallen onto
me. Always, I am changing. I am here, a mountain of stone and strong and supporting. They make
fire. Not like the place of fire I was born, but gentle warmth to keep them happy and together during
weather times. This fire makes them sing and dance sometimes, just like the animal children that
used to step lightly on my back. They are always changing the place of me. Moving parts of me to
one side and another of the mountain. Sometimes to plant more trees and fruits on me. This is
enchanting. These are smells and tastes I have never had before. I am happy to be in this living
place. It always is about change. Now they are bringing heavier things to move me. These giant,
grinding spiders walk on me and push me to places away from where I am from. They are trying to
move me from my place with these smoking, grinding, heavy creatures. Sometimes I just give way.
Sometimes I push back and enfold them into me, too tired to play these games. I am resting again
now. The giant scraping, noisy, smoking spiders have moved away. The gentle creatures of land are
back. I have people visiting again, yet they are very softly stepping on me. Like a reverence for an
elder one. Am I really that ancient? It is very peaceful now. I feel a small hand reach into me, gently
chipping a part of me for a token. I am happy to give myself for these things. They connect us, these
pieces of me. It is a new journey where I am going. I am traveling away from my place, away from
millions of tons of myself, thousands of storms and trees and generations of life I have shared. I am
happy to go be this token of a great place, a precious memory to this person that takes me away.
They are cutting me into a small shape. I remember this; these small, happy beings used to frolic in
the ponds that formed at my feet in my spaces of water. I am going to be a token of love, of a
memory of a place of mountains and trees, made into a beautiful shape of a frog. I still remember
the frog songs on sweet summer nights where the sky was always a bit light so I could see the life
around me. This is a fine place. I am resting again now on a beautiful cloth in a wonderful woman’s
home. I still gaze and feel my connection through her. We are all connected. I never really left
anywhere. I am still the mountain, the stream, the wind and the trees. I am still the fire, the dance
and the celebration.
After this piece was written the woman that brought the stone told me it was carved by Ricky Lahhty
a Zuni carver. I did not even know it was a frog shape until it was in my hands. I learned so much
in that writing and that nature has so much to share with us, we just have to ask.
July 28, 2010 - I am so happy to breathe. It fills me with joy. In being fully conscious of that breath I
am connected to Source and All That Is. It is wonderful to fully realize how much joy this breath gives
me and all the love that allows me to manifest that breath in this time now.
September 25, 2010 - Today is a new anniversary. I have cleared the way from the past to now.
Today I am so happy and so much in love with life. This past experience was just that, past. It was
a time of love and life and very different than what I am living now, because I am very different. I am
awake. I am fully conscious and recognize that beautiful spark of love and creation in everyone.
So today I begin anew. Today I have written a love letter to the man of my dream, my new dream
for this new life that I am living. Today is a fresh canvas that I have painted with my dreams and
planted the seeds of this new garden. September 25, 2010 is a new anniversary. The start of a new
dream.
October 10, 2010 - Danced on Mount Shasta today. Meditation with the soft sound of drums and
flute and chanting from other folks celebrating the 10-10-10 at this beautiful site. I poured by
desires out into the heart rock and surrendered my Light to the Creator. That is where my dreams
are born, where we are all perfect and whole. Where we are all Love.
January 12, 2011- I stepped out of my cottage today into the morning air. Today I tasted spring. It
was so very sweet.
Chapter 18 2011 – I Am
August 2011 – We have reached the end of this book and the end of the grief journey. I will be
completely honest here and say that after 7 years, the tale of John and Laura is like a book that I
read a long time ago can only remember certain parts of the story. The soul energy that is John is
forever in my heart. He is always there yet in a very different role, as a Guide and also as a part of
me because in the awakening I recognize that John is not separate any longer, he is a part of the
Oneness of Everything and so a part of me.
INSERT THE LIGHT WITHIN
The best way to explain this is that on the home page of my website. When I first wrote the intro it
said…..
I Am Laura Hamill. I am writing my evolution
on these pages. The evolution of my soul awakening.
The journey from wife to widow to woman.
Now it says
I Am Laura Hamill. I am writing my evolution
on these pages. The evolution of my soul awakening.
The journey from wife to widow to Human Be-ing.
I hope these words and writings help make your path a bit softer. For me, the journey of
awakening is not at all over; this is a continuous and beautiful expedition. You have probably
noticed I am softer now and because of that my path is softer. The opening of my soul-self to
learning a new way of being has been a fantastic experience. It has made my life experience
become so vast and full of love. What grief gave me was an opening because in the full surrender
of what I thought I was and how I thought I was living I found that was only a hint of what was really
inside. There is still so much space to fill and I pray to stay open and awake for these blessings to
arrive in my life. In the incredible seven years of traveling through grief, I have learned to take
responsibility for my life – and for everything that occurs. With that comes a natural forgiveness for
anything that knocks me out of joy. It was my creation to learn a lesson. In those more gentle
thoughts of forgiveness and looking at life through the heart you can very easily make the choice
back to love. In times before when I was not in joy I may have stayed there for weeks or longer.
Now there are minutes or moments before I return back to the heart. There is a quiet sense of
ease and grace with these knowing’s and still the wonder and awe of what can be!
Today I write, paint, work and I love. I am free.
Love and more love
Laura
These writings were started in 2004. As I read them again my first thought was to soften the
language and the harshness of my experience. I understand now I cannot do that, because it was
my experience just as it is written. Anyone in the process of grieving that reads these words will
understand immediately that softened words are incorrect. Because I know that time and the work I
did made me softer. My husband, John completed his experience on earth in February 2004. My
grieving gave me the single, greatest gift of my entire being. The cracking of my seed. The
awakening of my soul. For that the words stand alone, as they were written. You will see over this
seven year period that the words and experience soften with time, just as I did. My prayers and
blessings to all grieving or holding the hand of someone in grief.
I have decided to post this book on my web page now. In reviewing my intent for the book it is this….
to share my story with other widows and widowers. I know in the early days of my grief I did not look
for advice books. In those days I looked for books written by other widows and widowers. I wanted
to hear the truth about the grief and I wanted to hear their stories. In reading those books I knew
this “silent grief” was shared by others. In reading books from the community of grieving spouses, I
knew that I was not alone. So I am sharing my story now.
Chapter 1 – Before Awakening: Hints and Glimpses
How far back in my memory shall I take you? It was only after awakening that I went back and
looked at my life with my eyes open. There were hints and glimpses everywhere.
I called my imaginary childhood friend PB Sasay only to find a couple of years ago that (BB
Borkar, wrote a book called “Sasay” Sanskrit for “the God within.” Our playground was inside of a
hedge and up a fig tree. Symbols and analogies, they are everywhere; nearly as big as billboards,
but we are blind until we are ready to see.
I was a contrary being – always doing battle against the authorities and establishments in my life.
Yes, that is the stuff I was made of--I was told to never take up typing in high school, so I became a
secretary for over twenty five years.
In 1995 I became ill with a movement disorder called Focal Dystonia, a constant twitching of my left
back and shoulder. My husband and I loved gardening. We built many homes together and
installed lovely gardens. With this disease I could not sleep, and without sleep I was too tired to
garden. What was left for me? Of course, drawing the plants of my garden in my journal! What
kind of logic is that? Again contrary to the way of things, I have a movement disorder and I am
taking up botanical illustration for a hobby. With this disorder the shaking was so intense some days
I felt like I was giving myself whiplash. What do I do? I take up drawing to fill the frustrating hours
of my life.
John figured me out in 1980 when I went to work for him at Atari. Whenever he wanted me to come
around to his way of thinking, (in his own gentle, humorous way), he would put forward the opposite
opinion--I am an open book.
I did not pick up a paintbrush until August 1999 at age 45. I did not write a word until John died. Art
heals. The dystonia left a long time ago. For me, the dystonia opened the door to art. John made
the space for me to continue with my botanical art studies for nearly five years. John’s graceful care
of me during those difficult days with dystonia also taught me later on how to care for him. It was
truly a great lesson in the balance of giving in a relationship.
Another sign for me- like don’t listen with your head, use your heart.
Chapter 2 2002 - Art Fills in the Empty Spaces
The first time I submitted two works to an exhibition the dreaded SASE came back in the mail. I
opened it and thought-“those fools, they only sent one of the two slides back!” John and I looked at
each other in amazement as we read the letter, one was accepted! There was no error. My drawing
of Ranunculus was off to an international exhibition scheduled in New York for September 2002.
What a joyous day that was for us. The love of my life gave me so much-he gave me love and the
time to heal my dystonia with art. John gave me the time to study botanical art and the art opened a
door to a new way of living. Art would fill an even bigger hole in me after he was gone. For nearly
our entire marriage we did make each day count. I used to joke that we were married twenty one
years and the last twenty were the best. We learned lessons early. We learned to love each other
simply with respect and honor, humor and grace and giving. I miss him every day. He gave me so
much. I have to honestly say I still feel like part of me has been misplaced. But now I know where to
look.
Before John died, all of my artwork was strictly botanical illustration and art, close enough that a
botanist should be able to identify it by sight. Done with 5x diopters so no lines were out of place.
The last two watercolors of a peony and a begonia Rex took me about two hundred hours each.
The exhibit of with my drawing was scheduled on our 20th anniversary in New York. John said there
would only be one first exhibit--to please go with my dear friend Linda and do the garden and art
tours at the same time. Last week I found the card I gave him for that anniversary. Right where it
should not really be, but right when I needed to read it again. I had picked a portion of poem from
the internet about loving him for what we are together and that I would celebrate our anniversary in
New York because he loved me enough to let me dream the dream. I wrote that twenty years
seemed like just a taste of the best that is yet to come.
Every moment of the lives we share with our spouses is precious. Each sentence and each thought
do last forever. These precious memories and cards fill me when I get emptied. Remind me that I
was held and nurtured for many years by a great man. I have said that I am glad he died first, I
would not have wished this grief on anyone I loved, or anyone at all. I know now that he is just
where he is supposed to be, and I am here. There is a purpose for this. It unfolds every day.
I was amazed that people were actually paid money for sci-fi art and sci-fi worlds have botanical
needs. I started to bend my botanicals in another direction. We are all coming to the same place
eventually and in perfect time. I then started doodling around with Celtic knots and spirals. The
Fibonacci sequence was a part of my botanical art study. Numbers in nature, look for them, they
are everywhere and have been around for a very long, long time. The Golden Mean. The spirals of
life. I have sketch books from 2001-2003 filled with the triskele, Celtic knots and spirals running
through trees and plants and leaves of my imaginations. A globe of birch bark in a Celtic knot
pattern, leaves with patterns and spirals, braids and patterns within patterns.
Chapter 3 2003 – The Changes and The Chaos
I left a secretarial job in July 2003 after over twenty-five years of caring for various companies of
software and hardware scientists and executives as the “psychic” secretary-you know always
knowing what they need before they ask for it? It was time, I was ready to be an artist full time (or
so I thought). John was just wrapping up a consulting assignment and Mom needed a new front
garden. John and I lived to garden. It is why we flew back to San Marcos every weekend for nearly
ten years, to tend to our garden and work outside. We always felt close to nature growing beautiful
gardens. Twelve homes in twenty years. All sold with a beautiful garden left behind. So I worked on
the design. It took me about two months of plant research, material scouting and preparation. We
installed the garden together. A spiral fairy garden. Plants in spirals, glass globs as a fairy river
leading to the fairy ring at the end of a spiral. I put Mom to work gluing glass to the platform for the
fairies home, pots and other light catching ornaments to adorn her garden. Stretching out of my
comfort zone into a creative space. I was so happy with the change.
This is still a difficult memory for me but a very significant sign. One night in August John rolled over
to go to sleep. I pointed to a mole on his back and said “this will be a death of you.” I immediately
apologized and told him I was so very sorry for that. I would find him a dermatologist right away. He
said he would take care of it himself. John died of melanoma, metastasized in his organs and brain.
It was everywhere. This mole on the back was not the primary site. This was not the mole that killed
him. He was bullet ridden with melanoma when finally and properly diagnosed in mid-January 2004.
This is not something that happens in two or three months. This fair skinned man worked outside
for all of the years I was with him and many more before that. But in August 2003 he was a vital sixty-
seven year old man. A prostate cancer survivor. He was proactive about his health with regular
checkups (including dermatology checks). He played (and won) racquetball four times a week with
men much younger than himself. He ate good food and kept his weight down. He helped me move
wheelbarrows of dirt and install a spiral fairy garden at my mothers. He would be gone before I
knew what hit me. So listen to your intuitive self, the heart of you, which is where the knowledge
rests for all things. It is not your thoughts or logic or a process. It is from deep inside of your soul,
because that is where the memory is stored. That is where your script has been etched. It is where
you and the Divine wrote the story of the life you are living before you came to be. Listen, look,
touch, smell, taste but slowly because what is important is within that moment. That is where your
signs reside. So John and I finished the garden at the end of November. We had just finished when
he stretched out on the bed and said he had the flu. December 1-10, 2003 treating himself for the
flu. December 11th we went to the doctor. Bad doctor. Said he had the flu go back to bed. No other
tests. No, Laura should not worry that John had high blood pressure when it was never high, just a
symptom of the “sleepy flu” going around. We quarantined John for what was his final Christmas so
he would not infect anyone with his flu. After Christmas my cousin Dawn (a beautiful and caring
nurse), her husband Bruce and my dear friend Linda (all earth angels to me) insisted John go back
to the doctor. On December 29th we did. He still had high blood pressure. He could not eat and
keep food inside of him; he was very weak but still driving and pushing himself. The doctor was
ready to send us back home with that darned flu. We insisted on a chest x-ray and blood work.
Bad news, bad doctor, bad place altogether. Chest x-ray riddled with tumors. Sorry, they said, they
didn’t even have a light panel in an exam room to show us. Rather than stand in a hallway and get
the bad news, we held the x-rays up to the ceiling light. The schedules were very full that January;
we were told we had to wait until January 22 for a biopsy. This was unacceptable. After much
expediting I got it moved to January 15th. Wow, I am ashamed of that even now but we were
exhausted, too tired to fight, too numb to kick and scream. To make someone wait with tumors of
undetermined origin in them for an appointment to determine where they began is like shoving a
stick of dynamite in someone’s hand, lighting it and saying don’t worry we’ll be back in a while to put
it out. January 13th John still drove us to the biopsy. I had to bring a muffin for him to eat after the
event since he was so weak he could hardly stand up on an empty stomach. I drove us home, he
never drove again. The results came in later. Melanoma metastasized from unknown site of origin.
On January 15th a short, succinct exam and meeting with a cold as steel oncologist telling John to
build up his strength if he wanted to go to the John Wayne Clinic (this is called a palliative statement-
no hope but no way does the patient want to hear no hope so they call it palliative care). She would
see him back in two weeks after other tests were in like MRI, scans, blood work. She would have
her office call with the schedule and they would space out the tests because he was so weak it
would be less debilitating. That the tumors in his liver (what? no mention of those until now) and the
sores on his back and skull were due to blah, blah, blah. There was very little actual truth spoken at
that meeting I now know. It was the unspoken that screamed through my head that day. They
screwed up this case. This guy was on his way out. A few more days and their butts would be
covered. The sweet cover of death would save another malpractice insurance premium from going
sky high.
My dream that night was very intense. I dreamt of a pagan goddess and animal sacrifices, blood
spilled everywhere about me the goddess flying through the air. It was a deep dream of death I am
sure.
My last fax to the oncologist was sent around midnight of January 18th and started with the words
“Help Please.” She called me back at 8:00 PM that evening (20 hours later) with the parting words
that she would have hospice contact us. I had no tools or appliances to make John more
comfortable or help him walk. On January 21st with the insistence of my brother Michael and his
wife, Lisa and the help of another earth angel, Kathleen (another extraordinary nurse) we drove
John to a new place, Los Gatos Community Hospital. We were gifted to have the most wonderful
doctor in the world. He gave us the gift of the goodbye time. He ordered all the tests and admitted
John. He told John he would make him feel a whole lot better for the rest of his life. Truth – finally.
John had brain tumors, which is why he could not walk. He had never been given a brain scan by
the bad doctors. The neurosurgeon said the 4cm tumor on his cerebellum would have blown into
the other hemisphere by the end of the week because of swelling and he would have been dead (or
worse a vegetable). The wit and wisdom of my sweet John was like his life blood, in fact more
important to him that his life blood. We spent a week in the hospital bringing the brain swelling
down, radiation and as the doctor said, making him feel a whole lot better for the rest of his life. He
came home January 28th.
There are many moments in the goodbye time that were only mine. I will share them now because I
want others to know about grief and love. It was all for love. It was for the honor of the last days of
my dear husband and to complete the contract we made. It was because he had cared for me so
gently when I had dystonia – I wanted to give him the same grace and tenderness.
It was because of love that I stood in line and bought myself the last Valentines card I would ever
receive from John (because he asked me to do this) one week before he died. It was probably one
of the most surreal moments of the chaos, standing in a line at a bookstore wondering how I would
ever make it to the cash register.
How I ate only oranges and popsicles mostly for nearly a month. How I fell asleep on a frozen
popsicle one night in sheer exhaustion and woke up wondering what the sticky raspberry juice was
doing underneath my covers.
The moments of John speaking harshly to me (he never did this, ever before) not really yelling but
harsh words in wondering why I brought him breakfast when he really didn’t want any (he had just
asked for a muffin 5 minutes before) and why I was going to sit with his kids and watch TV while he
slept instead of being with him. How I would try not to take it personally? This guy had brain tumors
after all. How after he went to sleep I would run outside and cry in the dark of night where no one
could hear me. How he told me he wanted it to be good (no pain) until it wasn’t good any more, then
he wanted it over quickly. He took mostly aspirin for pain medication and only a mood pill once until
hospice started. He had his wish.
In the goodbye time there were many people that came to help. Neighbors and friends and
wonderful people that I had worked with in the past that brought dinners and groceries so that I
could sit and be with John during the goodbye time. How Linda and Dawn and Bruce and Doug
gave up time in their own lives to be there for us. I love you all and thank you all from my heart for
the gifts. Someone recommended a book to me called “Final Gifts” and I thank them for this
book. It helped me recognize and value the glimpses on the other side of the veil that John was
experiencing and because of that I was very present and tuned into him completely for the last days.
I prayed each night for a heart attack to kill him rather than brain dementia. I got my wish. A week
before he died his children visited and insisted he go to the doctor so they could make sure all was
being done. The doctor came out and showed us there was an 8cm tumor in his heart (these are
usually only found after autopsy on melanoma patients). Our doctor released us from his care
because of his beliefs about hospice. I completely respect him for that and again thank God for
allowing us to meet this man at a time when we had no trust or faith in any caregivers. Our doctor
told us to contact hospice and go home and make him comfortable and that John would be dead of
congestive heart failure in a few days. I got my wish; it was his heart after all. We had a sweet and
sad, long and short, soft and hard time of saying goodbye. But he had his wit until the end. Just
before his soul left he woke up and told us of the beautiful people in white on the beach and the
coconut trees in fields that had nests. He drew a map with exit routes all leading to an area at the
top of the page with an up arrow. He saw a dust jacket cover on a new book and told us that is what
his mother looked like before her cancer. On February 22, 2004 his soul left at 3:00 AM. The
electricity between our hands was stilled. His heart stopped around noon on just as my mother
walked down the driveway to get in my brothers car.
Chapter 4 2004 - Grief
In come the waves of grief. I would not go stupidly into this process as I had for the cancer. I picked
the most brutal grief book about death of a spouse recommended to start. Actually written by a
widow (a pregnant widow). They all say the same thing. To get to the other side of the chasm you
must walk down into it. You cannot fly over it. You cannot build a bridge. You have to enter the
depths of this nightmare to find the healing spirit within you in order to bring yourself back into the
Light. Only you can do it. Drugs will only delay the effect. Busy work will only delay the effect. This
is not something you can schedule. You can delay it but beware! Other events in life continue as
planned. You may have an enormous amount of things to deal with at the same time you have to
enter that chasm. The book said it best by saying after the bliss of numbness wears off (and it does)
jump in, both feet, breathe it, feel it, work with it. Just start it. To start means there will be a finish.
To delay the start means you still have to keep the appointment and it may not be at a time you
choose. Maybe others will be leaving your life at the same time. The counselors warned us of
compound grief. I have two older parents and I was caring for one. I had to dive in to this hell on
earth.
But oh, what I learned. That meditation and spirituality saved me. That the signs provided to me
each and every day of my grief still now continue as my gifts of love. Real love, deep and true. That
I was not nuts; seeing butterflies or hearing words of wisdom needed for just that day, just that time.
That when my anger was at its peak, the only person to hear my scream was my eighty year old
mother. That was when the kitchen window screen flew off its locks into the kitchen to get me to
shut up, to calm down. To bring her a glass of water and remind her that this was a natural phase.
A message from the Universe to help. The Universe also has a great humor – really because only
humor that would send widow/ers to a bookstore where they have to get on their knees to peer
sideways on the bottom shelf at titles of grief books hidden between the section on Wicca and how
to have a better orgasm. All this while trying to discern a title that will hopefully resonate within us
and was written by someone who actually lost a spouse. Peering through swollen eye tissue and
having to wear sunglasses because the bleak look of our puffy, red eyes would scare the crap out
people.
The dreams that I had were my soul reminding me where I needed to go from here. At night I would
stretch out my open hand across the empty pillow next to me and call for John. I would always feel a
slight pressure in my hand and then an envelope of warmth to help me sleep. I only had to ask for
help and he would be there. I was really beginning to reach out to other spaces – beyond the
world I knew.
The fog of grief lasted about six weeks for me. It was very misty and soft like part of me was resting
elsewhere. I did receive a lot of messages. In that fog there is also a rawness and opening to
everything that is out there. I would hear phrases on TV or in a line at the post office and then I
would look it up and understand the message. I learned how to meditate. I took my blanket and CD
player outside in my Mom’s backyard after 11:00 pm so she would not disturb me. I sat under the
stars and cried and cried and cried. I let it all out. My wonderful and magic basset hound Jake was
my only companion. I thought of suicide. My uncle George (who had passed many years before)
brought the only two people I know through during meditation that had committed suicide and they
said very clearly to me, “do not be sad like us, finish your life.” John was also there holding a warm
space for me to take the next breath, the next step. I did not ever think about suicide again. I
learned to trust the messages.
I continued to meditate and listen. My messages always arrived in perfect timing, just when I asked
a question. The message was always followed by an affirmation – to show me I was really listening.
Messages and affirmations delivered by way of phrases, pictures and yes, even bumper stickers.
My soul was waking up. I was like an open field plowed clean of any previous growth. Ready for
something new. I started reading books about chakras and energy centers. I started reading about
shielding and auric fields. Really new information to me, and really important to me on the path.
Chapter 5 2004 – Cracking the Seed
I did not care any longer to continue on the way I was going. I saw myself as a drain to my mother’s
well-being. John and I were always best together and we loved those stories about spouses that
died within short spans of each other-those were love stories to us. Who was I without him really? I
gave up. Everything. What I thought was everything. Remember, I had no house (it was sold). The
“things” of my life (which John and I learned early on were really only things anyway) were in a
warehouse in Laguna Niguel. No children together (by choice). No job. No life insurance. No
money. No friends close by to hold my hand, take me to a movie or get me out of the room where my
husband took his last breath. Just our dog, Jake. He is the reason I woke up each day at that point.
My family helped with mail and bills – in grief all of my administrative skills left. I know why – in grief
opening a piece of mail is so completely unimportant in the grand scheme. This is where I started to
learn about priorities and what really matters. The day to day administration of life is completely
without meaning in grief. The only thing that matters is taking the next step. In deep grief there is
no concept of what you are supposed to do, it has lost all meaning. Most things lost all meaning.
Really, just standing by the kitchen sink and spooning a yogurt down at 5:00 pm was a maximum
capacity effort. I can’t tell you how many grocery carts I left at the checkout aisle (at lot). Grocery
shopping was something John and I loved to do together. I could only make it so far and then
bailed. I started to shop at a new store each time, until I was driving about 20 miles away just to find
the next new place.
I visited friends to help them dress up their gardens. They were really helping me, because kneeling
in sweet dirt was very soothing to me. The gardens were places where John and I were most
happy.
Here is where I will share what I call “moving to the front of the line.” It was something my brother
said to me. He was trying to give me advice. He was actually doing the exact thing that the grief
counselors warned about – people offering advice to make changes in your life that you are not
ready to make. The counselors were absolutely right – you have to make the decisions, no one else
can give you this advice. His harsh words kicked me back down into the pit of grief just as I clawed
my way out. Now I know it was a lesson I needed to push myself further. I needed things to change,
but I could not do it alone anymore. I could not continue in grief, trying to care for my mother and
trying to heal. For that I thank him because that statement is what helped me make the right choice
– to move to the front of the line, to have my soul awakening and for me to heal.
The next day, I jumped in the car and drove to visit my cousins Dawn and Bruce in San Clemente. I
could not write in my journal that night. I could not read my words because they were being smeared
and washed away by my tears. I closed my eyes and whispered to God…”If you want me to stand
up tomorrow it is for you to do. I cannot do it any longer. If you want me to speak tomorrow and eat
tomorrow and not die tomorrow it is for you to do, I am not strong enough.”
There was nothing left of me but a hollow shell, formerly Mrs. John Hamill, now the widow Laura. I
was nothing without John. We were a team from start to finish. We did everything together. His
business, our homes our entire life was spent in each other’s pockets.
I told John and God that I wanted out. I wanted to be back with John like those love stories. I did not
meditate before John died. No music, candles or incense (I use those now). Then it was just me
and Him. In my first journal entry after he died I wrote about the inside out faeries. The ones that
come along when you think things are grand and turn your life inside out. I was inside out,
exposed.
In that room in San Clemente my soul awakened. That was when I cracked open. In the space of
utter surrender to everything I thought I was…came a vision.
A beautiful platinum light embraced me. I felt warm, light and loved. I saw my soul. God cracked me
open like a seed and there were the seven beautiful colors of the rainbow with a liquid violet light
pouring out of the top covering me in sweet bliss. No faces, no words, no bells or flowing robes.
They were not necessary. The message was this….I am love.. I am here to help. That message
really answered everything. It is the ONLY answer for everything.
After my visit to San Clemente, my friend Linda invited me and Jake to move into her beautiful home
in Palm Desert. We accepted this gift – and this time to heal.
2011-As I finish this chapter I will express again now that in the moment of my seed cracking, of my
soul awakening there is no going back. That from that point and still today once this has happened
you cannot ever be satisfied with the old ways of being. They are like comparing dust to glitter.
They are like comparing a full out joyful scream to a whisper. The essence of that moment stays
fresh and complete and the knowing resides in my heart, always accessible. That is what grief gave
me, the moment of utter surrender. That moment made the space for the enormity of knowing who I
am and why I am here. There would have been no surrender without grief. John has indeed given
me the greatest gift of love that could ever be, the cracking of my seed.
There is a bit more about this in a meditation and a poem at the back of the book. I have learned to
take moments of angst and hurt and spin them around and look at them from all sides. Look at
them through love and with my heart, not with my mind. In doing that, I always recognize the Truth
of the matter and make the choice for joy and love, not hurt or fear.
Chapter 6 2004 – More Messages
I was going to choose brokenbranches.com for a website. I had started painting broken trees, lying
hollow and shattered in the dirt. This sign (more of a billboard) appeared while I was flying back
from Phoenix where I visited John’s children and grandchildren. I will state here that John’s four
children are phenomenal adults. I love them and their families for being a part of our lives from the
day I met John. The history that came with him included his four adult children and oodles of
grandchildren. They are what made him John. You cannot discount the past of someone when you
grow a life together. It is an entire package. Revel in it, enjoy it, make is a new part of you, what will
then be your history. All that are the Hamills changed me forever. I love them and treasure the
memories we had together.
So on the plane and clear as a bell was this thought-no brokenbranches.com. The website must be
writingevolution.com. I looked out of the window of the plane and in a field below I saw a capital “E”
in a dry field below. Then as the plane passed it and turned, it looked like a “W.” If you draw the
back of the E with soft curves you will see what I mean. I bought this domain name as soon as I
returned to my computer. It was not taken-can you imagine that? Absolutely-everything in its own
time just as I needed it. Just as I know that if you find this book it is no accident.
In the building of the website – pushing and pulling did not work. I was looking for a webmaster to
post to the site. I had the name and the front page and nothing else. I could not find anyone to do
this for me – amazing. Worked with software folks for 20 plus years and nada – no one around to
help me to do this EXCEPT……2:00 am one morning I get the message – “get up, get to the
computer, we will help you do this.” I sat at the computer, loaded online software for my site and
posted several pages and a LOT OF WRITING in one sitting. Around 7:00 am Linda came
downstairs and asked what I had done. I told her (a former English teacher) that I posted to the
public my writing – without anyone looking at it for proofreading or editing. I told her not to worry it
was perfect. She read it, it was perfect.
Many things happened like that – little nudges about don’t push so hard, help is always here. So I
started to be quieter, to listen more closely and pay attention to the messages. They were
everywhere.
Chapter 7 2005 – Visioning
February 22, 2005 - I am adding this update because today is a beginning. Today is one year
since John died. Today I turn the page on past chapters and open a new book for myself. A new
fairy tale of sorts. Or many tales, who knows? I guess that depends upon me and what I want to
create for myself each day. I have started building the foundation for a new tale, too young in my
heart for words to form around it, but probably very old and pieced together before I even got to this
place. We will see together. The sentence that rings the most true for my story with John is in the
poem to Gate Goddess of Forest Nautica-to have great grief you had to have had lived a great joy.
We did and I will always feel that joy whenever I think of the wonderful moments we shared.
After John died I painted The Gate Goddess of Forest Nautica (the tree that grows seashells) http:
//www.writingevolution.com/gategoddess.html. She was completed in two days in Cambria, California
with a travel set of watercolors. No extra lighting, measurements or structure. No diopters. A gift
from Spirit. The poem that was done with her was also gently received, I just put my pen to the
paper and the poem arrived.
March 3, 2005 - This evening I started writing a new story for me to live. John and I have closed the
tale of us together on earth. He told me I cannot star in two tales at the same time. So he is a part
of Heaven that waits for me when my time comes. Now I must make the time here count. I cannot
curl into a ball and wait. To do that would be to risk a take-over, you know coming back to learn
the lessons I neglected now. Besides all that, it would be terribly wasteful and selfish of me. Not
that I haven’t tried or wanted this. It was a load to carry up the big hill, my bundle of grief. It got
heavier not lighter over time. Today I gave it up. I surrendered it. No more grief for me. Every
time the load gets to be too heavy I imagine tossing it down a volcanic flue, to be incinerated into the
dust that it is and scattered to the winds. I have removed this black burden of grief knotted in
between the loving moments of me and John. Now I have a string of memories like beautiful kites
flowing in the wind with our laughter, funny puns, and noble deeds and cherished thoughts that I can
take and float in front of me like soft touches on my heart when I need to remember.
So here goes. My dream machine has started. The engines are turning. The Universe is Aware.
This story will have many pictures of our travels. Some painted by me, some by my new
companion. He is there at the edge, waiting for the signal. The Angels are poised. It is a vast
treasure hunt with puzzles and rewards. I will paint and write my way through this map to the
treasures softly and tenderly. I have the most awesome Guides and Angels. I cannot be what I
was, I will be much better than that. My heart and soul move me through this new story, not my other
senses. This is a story being written by Feel. This is how I have changed. My old life does not fit
any longer.
2011 - Awakeness – Throughout this book I will share my dreams of awakeness, the messages and
moments that I received as gifts of the grief. I know the grief carved through the old layers of false
beliefs and opened me up to many of these extraordinary events. I know this happens for all of us in
the awakening of our soul. If you are in the grieving process you know there are many moments
where you can really hear and feel the person that has died around you. I have journals full of my
connections which John after he passed over. Please do not discount these. Please believe in
everything that is beautiful and love and light and the soft messages from the Divine you are
receiving. These are soft stepping stones placed in front of you to help you find your way through
the grieving process. These are the stepping stones that glow in the dark, that are made of
softness not glass, that keep you warm when you are frozen cold.
Here I will share a couple of awakeness moments.
1) Rings and Pearls – After John passed, I had a dream where he brought me all the rings we
have shared, past, present and future with beautiful pink/white pearls flowing around them. He
poured these over me to show me how we are always together. The old, ancient rings were
primitive, but beautiful. The present rings look like the wedding bands of today and the future rings
were incredible and very futuristic made of materials I cannot name. The pearls were the wisdoms
we shared with each lifetime together. I knew this for Truth. He has been around me for a very long
time and is still with me now – helping me on this journey of being.
2) Sitting in God’s lap. I was very empty one night, thinking about all the many people God has
to tend and asked God if he ever got PTO (personal time off). The beautiful warmth embraces me
like a child in a parent’s lap and heard this….”every day is a holiday.” I could feel the smile and
love. This is one of those moments that stay clear and fresh anytime I wish to think on it. So very
beautiful and so much love, so very close. We just have to touch it.
3) The Space Dentist Dream – I had a dream one night in Palm Desert. I woke up belly-laughing
so loud that Linda came to ask what I was laughing about. I told her that John showed me a dream
where I was at the space dentist – the waiting room had chairs covered in cloths with patterns and
pictures of milk bones. I was told that I could not bring titanium into the aethers. I laughed out loud
– asking John if he was taking me to a vet or a dentist and why did I need to have teeth anyway in
the aethers? The reality - about two weeks later my front tooth crown (old crown) cracked. The
crack so large that it could not be re-crowned. I spent some time getting a quote from one dentist
and felt she was not the one so I visited a second dentist. I agreed with his suggestion of an implant
made of titanium. In conversation he found out I was an artist and he was having an art exhibit that
weekend by all his artist customers – would I like to participate and did I have any originals
nearby? At this writing, Linda holds the largest personal collection of my originals (so yes, this will
work). I brought a few paintings to the dentist office for him to set out Saturday morning for the
event. At 10:00 am Linda and I arrived to see where he set my paintings. I looked down and there
were two milk bones. Yes, indeed I cannot make this stuff up! Linda said, “That is weird” and
walked away. I just laughed. I knew it was the Universe showing me I am absolutely in the right
place at the right time.
4) Take three breaths and change your mind. A meditation at the end of this book. This help
was given to me by Jesus one very dark night. I was so very alone (I thought). I started down the
dark spiral of misery and could not pull myself out. It was hard to breathe. It was hard to cry even. I
had hit a wall of grief and didn’t even see it coming at me. I prayed and asked for help. The
message was very soft and gentle ….”take three breaths and change your mind. My Guide was with
me for each breath. First release the cold, dark feelings. Next breath to remember. The last breath
to connect to Spirit. That simple, and that beautiful.
So please do not discount the dreams and visions. Write them down. Continue to journal and keep
a notebook by the bed at night. You know the significant dreams, you have a clear picture, words
are spelled out and they do not dissipate as you wake, they stay with you so you will write them
down. Then wait and see what unfolds. Do not try and attach to the vision or dream-because then
your mind will try and twist it up into all kinds of knots. Just relax, and see what unfolds. The
waiting is part of the enjoyment also.
Chapter 8 2005 – My Evolution Continues
May 1, 2005 - The Dream is alive and well. I am not broken after all. I feel like a pebble that has
found a niche in the River of Life. I have begun to dream again. It is time to build a new nest for
myself and my blessed basset hound Jake. It is spring after all. Many months ago I visited a small
town in coastal California. I stepped out of the car and said out loud that this was where my soul
belongs. Another billboard that my Dream is alive and well. What is the Dream? To be All that I
Can Be. To enjoy and live with verve and zest. To love a man again because I am a woman who
loves to love and I am dreaming My Dream by writing my evolution. It seems like a long road from so
long ago but it was really a blink. I learned that fear blocks love. When you approach difficult
situations with love, you succeed. Fear does not creep in or take over, it is gone entirely. My family
is healing. We are aware of the love we have for each other and the compassion to move forward
and not worry about the past. The past is only past and holds memories of loving moments. But
memories are not living. Living is sucking in a breath and blowing it out. Living is wiggling your
toes in wet grass and knowing it feels like you are walking in club soda. Living is standing next to a
jasmine plant and getting a rush from the perfume. Now is the time I begin to live again. I know that
there is a place, a time and a person just right for me (and Jake). I have written my prayers and sent
my thoughts to the Universe and trust that I am always where I need to me when I am there. So each
day I wake up and witness sunrise. I weave a tale with God while my day unfolds. I just love this
time of my life. The possibilities are truly endless!
The quest for knowledge begins. I begin to search for metaphysical workshops and teachers.
People on the path are seekers. We are looking for answers and teachers and messages. At my
first workshop I find a great book by Robert Masters, “Swimming Where Madmen Drown” which
saved me a lot of angst because I was seeing all the things he had in the book. All the shapes and
patterns and visions, all in my meditations. I felt very much at ease knowing there were other
travelers sharing this great new inner landscape.
May 6, 2005 - Writing my evolution may not be an accurate term any longer. Writing about my soul
awakening is underway. It is not a “how to” but rather a “sharing of” an experience. One that is
available to every person on this planet if they so choose. In my heart I know that the next group
will not have to suffer catastrophe or loss. They will not have to grieve until they feel like empty
shells. That is why I am here. It is why there are so very many others like me. We are paving the
road we took with Light and Love so that they do not have to fear the next step or experience the
bending and crushing death of an ego. It has started. There is frenzy in some that are filling their
Now Moments with everything they can to avoid acknowledging there is a leak in their hearts that
they cannot stop. It is just that space is being made for something better. They think a moving
target cannot get tagged so they run about like they are on some mad scavenger hunt. They really
only have to stop and look inside. Simple, elegant, God -- just like that. I reread the previous dated
entry and deleted some then nearly wiped it all out. But just to show you how things change I leave
it as it stands. I have been told that a basket has been woven and filled with all the fruits I need for
my journey. But knowing that my needs are met is not the place to stop. Now we move into
creating our stories and manifestation. Like a great tale you can weave for yourself with each new
day’s dawn. Writing my evolution is now done with a Thought. Nothing to write or tell. Others do
not need to see or hear it. It is time for me to weave some new patterns into the fabric of my life.
More later.
May 13, 2005 - He is here! My senses are alive and well. I am filled with love and life and God’s
sweet Light. It was as easy as waiting at an intersection for a bus (once my ego stepped out of the
way). Really, truly elegant-God’s Gifts are like that. Any sooner and the repairs on my leaky heart
would not have been completed. Any later, well, let’s just say I am not of great patience so I won’t
even say. Perfect timing just as it has been since the moment the seed cracked open and even
before that but I was just not aware. For now, this is the time to savor the gift of Life and Be.
June 13, 2005 - Allowing these days of Joy to wash over me like a beautiful green mountain stream.
That is how Being in Joy is, that easy. Being in Joy is being with God, remembering. That is the
choice, the free will. I chose Joy. Realizing that being a woman in grief did not fit any longer, like a
beautiful gown from long ago that sparked so many memories of great dances, but time to put away.
Joy is my new dress. Like a silky, sun-dried slip. Smooth on my skin and light as a rose
petal. This sweet and easy remembering of where I am from and why I am here, now. Sweet
times now with my friend and teacher Robert (a former monk). We are in Palm Desert, California
and I am learning and experiencing. Lessons, yes – this is the time that I am doing the work.
Today is a precious day because it is a moment I am in, here and experiencing inside and outside of
me. Blessed Be.
August 1, 2005 - We are all artists. Our thoughts are sketches. Our words are paint. Our actions
are brushes. What we place on the canvas is the gallery of our life. Each thought that contains
compassion and love makes a masterpiece. The Universe sends it back to us to view and enjoy.
Like a gallery of lessons of love. Unconditional love being the most important of the paintings we
place on the canvas because it is the kind that we let flow naturally, without force or structure or
needing anything in return. These are the masterpieces that fill the walls and surround us. Each
day I am learning more about this kind of love. Each day I receive a lesson or a masterpiece
depending upon what I created. Because we are the artists that create this gallery of illusion. Love
is All.
I did a lot of soul work in the months I spent with Robert. A lot. He was a great teacher and would
challenge me every time I started to go back down the old, worn path. But I did the work. No one
else can do the work for you. No one else can show you the easy way, you have to find your way.
When I talk about clearing I am talking about a new life landscape. The old habits and answers do
not work with an awakened soul. You cannot go back, remember? Once you have seen the Light
and know Love, you can only go forward. So you find a better path and a better way of being in
Truth. You are fine-tuned to the way you are living and feel it when the turn is right and when the
turn is wrong.
Chapter 9 2005 – I Follow the Path
August 16, 2005 - Sorting and clearing, clearing and more clearing. Now the path is being rolled
out in front of me, luscious and fertile for me to plant with the seeds of Love and Light. As more of
the beauty of the awakening appears before me, I am learning how to dust off the old bits of debris
of un-knowing. No room on the path for anything less than the Light. No room for ego, emotions,
brain games or illusion. Now is the time for the Real to Be-right in front of me every single Now
Moment. Learning how to pause, feel the Now Moment surround you and embrace the Love and
Light of the Universe-that is where the beautiful garden is located. That is where I Am. All the rest
just isn’t there, period.
August 21, 2005 - Crossroads. I am there. I asked for guidance and billboards (large with very
clear words, and big letters). I read the billboards and know that I just need to Be, Here, Present
and Now. That the next steps will be the right ones put before me by God for my path. My
billboard is to Trust and Be Here Right Now; I really don’t need to know any more than that.
2011 – You might be thinking at this point I am completely healed and grief is gone – not so my
friends! Just a point on the map – the journey continues. You know as I said earlier – the inside out
fairies have come yet again to move me in the right direction. Where I was going was not where I
needed to be. More upheaval (a bit gentler to be sure, no one died) but still upheaval. Time to move.
You may also see a softer me. Healing is happening. I am meditating regularly and meditation has
saved me, I am sure. In the space of meditation is where I learn to change my mind. To choose the
right way of being human and to think with my heart instead of my head. I no longer think of John
as “dead” because there is no death, it is just another way of being. The energy of John is there
always around me. The relationship is very different than it was, it is better because I understand he
is where he needs to be and so am I.
Chapter 10 2005 – Back to Gilroy
September 15, 2005 – I moved back in with my mother. She had since moved to Gilroy to be close
to my brothers. I am back in Gilroy one mile from my first home with John. So for a year I have
worn someone else’s life in the desert of California (or tried to). As Robert so lovingly teaches (and
he is a great teacher) trying is just that, trying, you either do or you don’t. For four months I have
tried to make the garment of new love fit. I am not ready for that yet because I am still holding onto
memories of John and these are my lessons to learn and heal. A few weeks before the move none
of the pieces of my life in the desert fit. They would not slide and join nicely together as easy and
natural. My Guides were very strong several weeks ago and I visited Gilroy, but I am quite a hard
head sometimes. The move was the right thing to do. I had to make the situation in the desert
so starkly apparent that I could not stay one more moment, that I had to leave and be where I am
now. The lessons were invaluable. Thought is a very powerful tool. Learning to discern between
the heart/mind and the ego/brain are my lessons each day. I have been shown without a doubt
though, that what you put out there as love and care comes back immediately with beautiful returns.
What you put out there in fear, ponderings of the future, wonderings about people’s feelings and
such also returns to you-with compound interest. That is what your ego manufacturers and it
affects others. So stop, look and listen to the soft voice before you think, speak or do and put an
extra touch of love in each thought, every time - because it is really like receiving a present when it
is returned. My friend Linda knows that she will always be my friend and she helped me over some
very rough times. She kept me loved, warm and fed, but in the end that I could not live her life. My
friend Robert - knows he is a Teacher of God even though we did have a different type of bond in
the relationship. I will always cherish his love and his family and his sweet dog. He knows that our
journeys are for the same goal, but we travel separate roads now. I know that I still have love for
John in my heart. It will always be there. It just is. It is not there to block new love; it is just not time
for that now.
2011 – Awakeness
September 2005 - On the drive back to Gilroy – car full of “things” and Jake – I asked John why I
was still here and he was not – right in front of me – a big, gigantic billboard advertising an insurance
man JOHN DUNNE. There it was, Truth and including a dose of the type of funny pun John would
say. I cannot tell you how relieved I was to see that sign. He was done; I still have something to do
here. Ok – I get it.
When I moved back in with Mom it was into her home in a senior living neighborhood (no one under
62 unless you are a caregiver – which I was). Jake and I moved into the loft room of this small
cottage in Gilroy. I needed a job (and fast). I did not want to ask my brothers for money. I also knew
that I could not work back in silicon valley (at software start-ups) like I used to because I needed to
go home at lunch and feed Mom and take Jake out for a walk – somewhere 5-10 minutes away
would be perfect…. After about a week I asked for help. “Help me God! I need a job close by so I
can take care of mom and Jake. A great job – doing the office mom thing that I do so well. I am
ready to work again. Please help.”
Ok …here it comes….an employment agency called within three days and found my resume on the
net, where it had been for some time. They had a client in Gilroy that had been looking for an office
manager for about three months. When I heard that the full body rush of being in the Flow just
washed over me. I told them I would take the job. They told me I needed to interview (oops, I forgot
that part). I am now the office manager and have been since September 20, 2005. A wonderful,
bright, beautiful place to work.
September 24, 2005 - Meditate, meditate, meditate. It is the only way back through the door in
your soul to the Garden. The One. The Real. Keep asking for help from the Beloveds to push
away the old, tired, false baggage you thought you were carrying like a burlap sack of bricks
because they do not exist! The patient enjoyment of Now is where the beauty is, where the
connection to your true self lives.
October 8, 2005 - I waded in the Lake of Eternity. It is real for me. Now it is all about learning that I
can go there for peace and to feel the wholeness of all I Am; love, Light and part of the life that
makes us all One. Some of us took the shortcut. The path that has hurtled us through the
awareness of our true selves in the shortest moments possible. This now is the experience of that
path and recognizing to trust that where it leads is of course the perfect place for us and allowing it
to happen. We cannot travel it by tripping over our egos or controlling the destination. The way
that has been set in front of us is of course perfect as are all of the travelers we meet on the
journey, so now we learn about being love, inside out with and everything we are. New Earth - it is
already there, the Garden; it already flourishes, the Light; it is inside of each one of us, just allow it
to shine.
October 30, 2005 - My spiral garden gets smaller. The faces look more like others I have known.
The names and connections to recent past experiences come floating up to the surface again and
again. Even songs have words that speak more clearly. This is the Oneness for me now. These
repetitions remind me that there is an intersection coming up, a crossroads and to pay attention and
take the right path. I understand now is the time to be aware of the importance of conscious
thought. Keeping the ego trimmed away and letting love through; that is when the light shines in and
I can see more clearly. Really, love is the answer to everything.
December 16, 2005 - I understand to stay in the heart space you must approach all lessons with
Love. This is how to stay in Joy. Alone or in crowds our energy is woven into the Fabric of the
Universe. This energy is creating our dynamic existence and All That Is. Learning how to focus
specifically in the Now Moments reaps many rewards of smiles, hugs, hints, messages and answers;
all for this wonderful Quest.
I will tell this simple story. I had just watched a show about being in the Now moment because there
was so much to experience there. I went to the post office to mail a letter. There were several
people in line ahead of me all talking on cell phones or gazing at the ceiling. Off to the side near the
front desk was a lady with a cane, sitting in a chair. I waiting until I got to the front of the line and
asked her if she wanted to go ahead of me. No one else had noticed her. She gave me the most
beautiful smile – like I got an “A” on the lesson….and she stepped in front of me in line. That is what
I mean by being in the Now moment. If I was talking on the phone or trying to ignore all the people
around me I would have missed her smile. Wow, what a blessing!
Learning not to put worry or fear but rather love and grace out towards an issue is a beautiful event.
Try this the next time you are approached by a situation that begins to pull you out of Joy, step
aside, breathe and allow Love to form the answer. It is truly amazing to see how quietly, quickly and
lovely the events unfold to resolve the issue. Many of us feel things are moving quickly now,
turbulent, yet still in a grand sense because we are seeing the connections forming. The same gifts
during meditations, the same astral journeys, the same acknowledgements from our Guides. It is
truly amazing as an artist to receive an email with the writing of others saying nearly exactly
something I just wrote, or a painting of Spirit with the same landscape. This is the Oneness that we
have been approaching. This is the shared experience, the conscious Thought that we have all
known. So now we continue the construction - the bridge of Light to All That Is. We know it is
there, a stairway, a bridge, a path it is all the same road to God. Whether you make it soft or hard
or full of jewels or boulders it is Your Choice.
Chapter 11 2005 – Living Again
December 24, 2005 - Here you are, Now. Directed by Spirit for a reason. How easy is it to write
your evolution? It is VERY easy. How much do you want to know? Sitting back and letting the
events unfold is one way, but living your way through the events that unfold with a robust respect for
All That Is another. With every thought we create. With every thought based in love we create a
change in the conscious perception that we are living in with others. How did I get here from way,
way down at the bottom of that chasm of grief so long ago? God brought me here. The unfolding
of my spiritual awakening took me to Now, this moment. Here is where I begin to create something
new and beautiful for all; which in turn creates something beautiful for me. When I try building new
events in my life the old way they do not work, the ego-building thought processes collapse upon
themselves all over the place. The Universe sends me a squeeze play of unbelievable proportions
(never more than I am capable of handling - that is the God part). So I am pushed, cajoled and
catapulted into the next phase of this evolution just where I am supposed to be.
When the Thought is precipitated with something that will benefit the Light Work, the Purpose and
Mother Earth it shouts with success from beginning to completion. Never ending, because we are
forever eternal. Moving to Gilroy to help my Mother take care of herself- score. Asking the
Universe for a job to help care for my Mother and dog - score. Asking the Universe for a place to
teach botanical art one morning a week – did that in Morgan Hill for a while - score. See how it
works? Staying in Palm Desert, living with my very dear friend (in her life, not mine) did not work.
Staying in Palm Desert with my friend Robert (a courageous and wonderful healer/teacher) did not
work. In these moments I felt like I was wearing a shoe that did not fit. I love them dearly. It was
just a turn in the path.
I also met several wonderful Lightworkers in the Coachella Valley (which means - The Hand of God)
during my year there. I still know this was not the place for me, not now. So here I am in Gilroy
starting fresh and new and writing my evolution by listening very closely, reading the signs and
billboards that lead me to the next miracle, received with gratitude.
January 1, 2006 - Gateways and doors are opening. I will not roll along on a conveyor belt and
experience it like a slide show. Focus on this moment and find the miracles that are strewn about.
Like an egg hunt, a quest. I am gathering them together. All the fruit of my basket. Gratitude and
Love. I gather more, I give more. I am told to Be Love. Just that, so very easy and it took me just a
moment to hear it when I finally listened. Be Love, period.
Chapter 12 2006 - Going Deep – Notice Now
January 19, 2006 - My soul has no noise. It is like a pine needle on a branch among many held aloft
by a giant tree. Quiet, still, silent, being.
February 21, 2006 - Two years ago on this night I held John’s hand and felt his soul depart. Two
years ago I heard him take his last breath on this earth. Two years ago my lovely husband left, he
is with God. Two years this journey of soul survival through the illusions of pain, grief and despair.
Then the joy of Cracking the Seed and opening up to what is real, what is within us to become All
That Is. Many gifts and signs from the Beloveds and Guides to help me on this way. They are
there all the time; it is in the remembering that you find them and feel the Love embrace you like silk
and velvet. There are phrases I hear, songs that are played, signs in the clouds, nature and even
on billboards. But only when you NOTICE NOW. That is where these miracles await your glance.
These are the things that connect us to oh, so much more than this dimension. Do I still love
John? Definitely. He is one of my best guides still. But to love something unconditionally you must
set it free so I do this tonight with love. I start a new day NOW. I will not use the anniversary of John’
s passing as a marker anymore. I will use NOTICE NOW as my new anniversary and count the
blessings I find in each moment of this quest. Loving through all conditions is the only way. That is
my goal, to Be Love.
With my heart in this space I shared many very precious moments with my Mother. She was aging
with dementia. I would sit at the foot of her bed at night and share an orange with her and we would
share stories. Sometimes she would ask me if this is a dream. Sometimes she would tell me she felt
very close to Nonni (her mother). It was a very soft time.
Some nights she would invite the neighbor ladies over for tea and cookies. I would serve them all
and sit and listen while they would share stories with each other. These elderly ladies were all living
in different houses but next door to each other. Watching them just light up at being with someone
to talk to at night was an amazing glimpse – really they just did not want to be separated, they
wanted to be with someone and share the experience.
My mother told the ladies she was a botanical artist and would teach them how to draw flowers –
great lesson in the oneness of us all, she already got it!
March 12, 2006 – I chose the fast track. I know why. It was the fastest way to get back to Source.
This is something I would have done, no question. Patience is the most difficult lesson of all for me.
Not grief, not being alone, not having or not going or not anything else as they are all part of the
illusion and fairly easy to surrender these days. But patience, waiting, and knowing that Divine
Timing is always right - I know these things, yet I struggle with... so why not right now? I am here to
be love and I am here to help. I know that I Am. I am here to learn lessons and thank the Universe
for all the lessons that I have received. It is done. Patience and gratitude for this lesson and oh yes,
I know that great things are worth waiting for and that just as you turn the corners you always look
back in gratitude and know that timing is always perfect. That while you were turning that corner
you thought you had spun out of control. What is really is Divine Timing and letting God steer the
sharp corners on this path. So I am still on the fast track. I did not even know what a chakra was
two years ago. I did not know of vortexes and energy healers and Lightworkers and I did not even
recognize all the Beloveds assisting me to that point. They are there and I have gratitude for the
beauty and healing they have given to me. I understand exactly what I am supposed to understand
at this point in the journey, perfect timing again! Grief, it was a tool to crack my seed. It does not
need to be a crowbar or a hammer; it can be a nutcracker or a tap of your finger. It is a matter of
choice.
Chapter 13 2006 – Finding Laura
March 29, 2006 - A time of learning and much more. Learning how to be my most honest self. The
Laura inside of me that has always known what makes me soar, sing and feel the strength of all the
Angels that surround me. It has been a long road remembering this during the past two years.
Most of the Truth comes from inside out. From love, meditations and God’s direction with signs as
big as billboards. I still feel connected to John; naturally 22 years together and this is where the
remembering came in - who was I before John, before we met? What did I like to do by myself, for
myself? Seems ages ago those answers were so easy, but after so long with someone that shared
nearly each and every moment and thought with me, I forgot who Laura was, I only remembered
Laura and John. So I am remembering. I love myself, just as I am. I loved being a part of a couple,
and someday I will have that again. I loved being a wife and friend and lover. I love humor, dry and
witty. I love intelligence; pointed and focused without arrogance. I love God and I love the spiritual
awakening that has been gifted to me during my grieving process. I love the spiritual family that has
grown and brightened my life over the past two years. I know Laura is back. I know where I am
from and where to go for peace and joy, inside. It was there all the time, I just had to remember.
I hope to do a book about grief and soul awakening (and here it is). About how I survived the
complex and catastrophic emotions that I carried during this transition.
I would never dare to tell someone in grief how to grieve. I would like to teach the family and friends
on the periphery of grieving people learn a better way to help. They run and hide. They are the
ghosts, not the departed ones. What about a new way to deal with people in grief - to love them.
To be there, present and available each and every day during this event. Don't drop them a line,
drop in. Create consolidated, strong and loving groups of family or surrogate family or friends and
make room in their busy lives for the survivor. Create a safe and nurturing haven of unconditional
love, no judgment and no boundaries. Observers may have many ideas and thoughts and advice;
but they fall very short to someone who is in the know about this event. It is better to not even
guess. Just give unconditional love. It is not an expensive commodity.
2011 – I will speak a bit more to you in grief and to those helping the ones grieving. During the grief
counseling sessions I attended for six weeks, one of the widows asked why there was so little written
about the loss of a spouse. I told her I thought that since only 50% of the couple has to withstand
the grief (and we don’t know which 50% that is in advance) so why give up the good times thinking
about that? It seemed like the right answer for me and still holds true. Do not give time over to fear
or thoughts of the future. That is where you give your power away.
For the family and friends of those in grief - if you have not experienced this loss, do not judge. Do
not give advice. Do not! You have no idea of what you are talking about and I cannot and will not
give time in this healing book to explain albeit to say it is a place so very dark and cold that you
should just shut up. Sounds harsh because I am adamant about people thinking they know how to
help by giving advice. So be very careful and speak only words of love or hold out your hand
instead and a strong shoulder to cry upon – that is all we really want during this process.
Funny when widows/widowers get together advice is the single most apparent thing by its absence –
they never give advice. They just nod and say “oh”. We each have our own story about the grief;
we do not judge or try and “one-up” each other. We just nod and hug. We know there is no advice,
there is only love.
Chapter 14 Standing in Trust
April 26, 2006 - This is a time for blossoms. Notice Now - that is where the intersect connections are
happening. Build Peace in your thoughts and words with Love, that is the food of our souls.
May 6, 2006 – Oneness. As massive as all the galaxies in the universe. As small as a pine needle.
Where even silence is still.
May 11, 2006 - Joy. Waking up happy. Waking up next to someone you love (Universe is working
on that one for me). Sunrise. A fun day of work. Gardening. Walking the basset hound. Having my
mother and father still here to hug. Joy.
May 31, 2006 - Back to Being Love. The relationship of my creations to what my heart desires
bends and flexes like a sapling in a high wind. Leading now with Spirit as my Guide showing me
where my heart can breathe.
June 15, 2006 - I am blessed with many gifts. My soul is showing me where home is now.
June 20, 2006 - A great lesson received - manifest with trust and dream with intention for my highest
and best with the knowledge that the Universe will absolutely provide the most beautiful outcome.
When I try and mix it up myself, it only dilutes the Truth.
It is time for me to move out of my mother’s home. Time for me to again pass the baton to my
brothers to care for my mother. Her care has become a group project and the only way for them to
get the message was for me to leave, so I did. They got the message and she has the caregivers
she needs. I knew it was time and asked again for help. Please – a room to rent with a gentle
being and a great place for Jake to run in the backyard free to explore.
I found the place, the only place on craigslist that was “dog friendly” and turns out she is a like-
minded soul and healer. (Now a great friend). It also turned out her father and my father knew
each other in Fresno many years ago – what a small world it is after all.
September 17, 2006 - It has been sometime since my last entry. Moving, computer repairs and such.
Much as happened and the attachments to the past-me are falling away like the leaves of a tree.
There is a new dream, a new desire. Yes, I tried using old roads to get there, but I came back to the
still self, the soft essence of me and the dream. So I continue on that journey now. I will have all the
love that I had before along with gratitude and the realization of bliss of Source.
September 18, 2006 - Writing my evolution. Writing words, painting pictures, dreaming dreams,
thinking thoughts and loving All That Is. It is what is inside of me that counts, the essence, the spirit,
the light. All That I Am. Creating each moment with care and love. Be-ing in each moment and
Noticing Now.
September 27, 2006 - People around me have been asking questions this week. Seeking,
searching. Knowing there is more, but trying to get rid of old ways. Beautiful moments where a few
soft words and guiding Light to them - then they glow. Like they are getting it, softly and sweetly.
October 4, 2006 - Loving from the inside-out. It is not like it used to be at all. I loved from the
outside in - John, then my family, my pets, my garden and then myself. In that order. That is the old
way. What I saw in front of me I loved or not and those were the choices. Now understanding how
all that is in front of me got there makes loving from the inside-out the only way. My own thoughts,
words and actions are the creations of my reality. I own that responsibility. I had to learn to love
from the inside out. First myself and unconditionally, as God loves me. Now I understand in order to
recognize the magnificence of All That Is, I must learn to love myself unconditionally, then share that
love with every single being that exists. Their perfection and divinity is just as wondrous as mine, a
glorious lesson. Guess what? It really is easy now. I love all those folks that come to show up in
my life because they are perfect, beautiful lessons and gifts depending on what I am open to in that
moment. When I open to the possibilities that special voice that is really Who I Am rings true and
clear and joyful and excited; really excited about these possibilities. These are what were absent
during the healing time. Now I will love from the inside-out. I will share the messages of love and
sweet Light with those that touch my time, here, Now.
October 24, 2006 - What a beautiful dream I have. I am making a New Life, now. Dreaming how it
is to unfold. This is not a dream of past dreams. That cannot be. So now, knowing what I know I
dream sweet dreams of glorious gardens, lovely waterfalls and beautiful mountains. Dreams of a
new partner coming to meet me on this path. Knowing, trusting and loving all the steps I have taken
to get to this place. I have been led along this path by my Guides and Angels showing me signs
along the way always. A grand and amazing quest. I just had to learn to stop rushing through it, to
look and listen. My book title is “Cracking the Seed.” It is the story of the opening of my soul
flower. I am listening to the voice inside of me that has throughout this lifetime whispered for a
while, screamed for a while and now gently nudges me more closely to the Light that is inside of
me. Understanding that each journey (experience) is perfect and right in timing and blessings I will
still share this story. If I can help others open up to All That Is with a soft nudge instead of ripping
and tearing even better. Remember this; the only thing that is real is LOVE. Total, unconditional
LOVE. There are a lot of us out there right now this very minute standing at the edge of what is the
most totally amazing shared experience. I would like to give gratitude and love to all the other
travelers that have shared moments with me during the past two plus years. That is why I trust that
things are perfect. I am not the only one flowing along in this river. I get a message, then an
affirmation - that others get the same message at the same time. That is the One Consciousness.
The being in the flow and hearing the messages. We are all together on the quest and building a
bridge of Love between us is the only way to ease the path for everyone. Loving without judgment
or fear. It gets easier, believe it, but it takes practice and conscious effort to think every thought with
love, every word with love and every action with love for yourself and the other guy. There is no one
on the Bridge – there is only ONE. There is no separate identity. I did not know what Awe was until
last year. Total, uncontrolled Awe. That is what we are remembering. Where we come from and
why we can’t replicate it in our daily lives through external experience is because it is inside, deep
inside and only when you are still do you hear the message.
November 15, 2006 -It slowly seeps in, like a beautiful wave rolling over you, like stepping into a
warm and fragrant bath. The knowing that everything you need is already inside. The knowing that
all you have to do is reach for it when it starts to subside and pull it back into your heart. The
knowing that all the love you need to create the most beautiful universe of days you can imagine is
as close as a breath away. Take a deep breath. See the Light that is You.
Chapter 15 2006 – My Soul Friend
December 14, 2006 – God, please bring me my heart’s desire and move me to a place where my
soul will sing.
January 11, 2007 - Anam Cara (Gaelic for Soul Friend) these beautiful words visited me today.
These are the times of building new and special relations with Anam Cara, with who we really are,
with our entire soul families - monads. The karmic layers are lying about my feet. They no longer
serve my highest and best. This is a time for the butterfly, the blossom and sunrise. To paint
beautiful colors and write about Light. To tell the story and let others meet themselves without
knowing the experience of loss, it is not necessary any longer. There are so many Light Guides and
Lightworkers laying bridges for All. The path is no longer sharp and dark; it is wondrous and full of
life and love. So take a step, trust that gentle voice you hear, it is the one that speaks Truth. It is
You. The best of the journey is right here, now.
January 22, 2007 - Loving from the inside out. I am asleep no more. I am awake and alive and
feeling the most fresh and beautiful feelings inside. Tingles, heat, soul fire, love. So now begins a
new story. A new way of Being. A new way of learning how things in this time work together; with love
- pure, unconditional love. I have met a wondrous soul, gifted from the Universe. Loving him from the
inside out; it is the only way it would work with me now. I understand that very clearly. Inside is
where the Truth lives. Inside is where the eternal being that I am glows and dances and smiles. I am
breathing from the inside out; I am living from the inside out. I am loving from the inside out.
January 27, 2007 - Today is my new birthday. He is here now. A magical, mystical man of love and
sweetness. A soul that has known mine for many times. Ancient knowing and learning new at the
same time. My senses are alive and bursting with discoveries. We start a new journey of hearts and
souls -- writing and painting and loving our evolution in these new days ahead. I love you mystical
man.
February 1, 2007 - A new life begins. The core of me is connected to this beautiful man. My Soul
Flame - we have danced across the stars before. We have been in this faery tale many times. Here
we are now, loving and living and making a new space for Us. In this special time of Love and Light
we are here to celebrate and share.
February 6, 2007 - My soul knows. This is where the Truth lives. I am so much in Love. My
gentle man, huge soul, brilliant heart; we are together now. This is one of those moments; you
know where destiny meets dream and the angels sing. The universe applauds. We have listened
with our hearts. We did not fail the dream. We were persistent and vigilant in our pursuit even when
others questioned it. We knew this; we both said goodbye to loved ones, nurtured and care for
them until their end days here on this planet. Then we grieved, we walked the sharp path alone
and unhugged for many months. We healed with the help of Father Mother God; we healed the
hearts we thought were broken and shredded until they shone bright and new again. We
believed. We knew in our hearts we were meant to share this beautiful journey with another love.
We believed even after walking the path of what we thought was loss; that it would happen again but
yet different this time, because we are so very different. Our souls are cracked open; wide and full of
an endless supply of Light and Love. We are together now. To share this beautiful time with each
other. To help others by shining the Light of the Dream. Dreams always come true in their perfect
time. He is here now; in perfect time for us to dream more dreams together.
March 1, 2007 - I am listening to the Universe. I am learning to understand why this moment in my
life feels like a squeeze play. I am asking for the Light Guides to help me live for my highest and
best and recognizing if it doesn’t fit, it doesn’t fit. In fact their answer was to look at it from another
way; turn it inside out, upside down and really try it on. I do know this method - when you love
something you set it free, if it is meant to be with you it will be. So I set my love for him free and let
the Universe move the puzzle pieces where they must be for the Divine Plan. I learned about how I
love; it is a dream of phenomenal commitment, unconditional love and beauty. The love I have to give
is vast; there are no boundaries or conditions. I know what it feels like, because I had it before and I
will have it again because of that blessing .And so when it fits, the Universe expands and lives slide
together without seams or stretch marks a natural way.
March 17, 2007 - Blessings and Lessons – I dream of hosting an art gym. I love this new part of my
life. This is something very special. Art heals. Holding a space open for people to come and work on
their own creative projects together. A place where we will all benefit from sharing the skills and
knowledge. I am in Joy. Lessons and finding the blessings in the lessons and the time with my
mystical soul man. This was so very special like a beautiful flower that waited for the sunshine to
blossom and shine, and then the cycle was over. A beautiful, sweet and loving gentleman that came
into my heart and soul and loved me as I loved him. That was the blessing. The lesson; I am still
working through and understanding that we have our Truths; that is the part of this journey where
we know what rocks our world and what does not. This clarity and learning to live in that Truth is the
lesson. If we cannot live our Truth, then we will continue to repeat lessons until we get it. Things
have happened to me in the past three years that are beyond word descriptions. I do know that
during the times I have felt the squeeze it was to move me to another place on the path and
immediately upon releasing what was making the squeeze something perfect was in front of me. I
felt the squeeze with him. I do not know why the geography of our lives could not be corrected but I
do not need to know why. I just know it felt like a squeeze. I would rather hold onto the love I feel
for him and recognize his journey is as perfectly written as mine; this is just not a journey we will take
together. That is unconditional love; it feels very right and comfortable. So this squeezing and
releasing to me are the cycles of creation, the creation of the path that I choose to be on during this
time, here and now. Gaining clarity now, I know that I am creating the path and accept responsibility
for the smooth and the rough spots equally. Recognizing more with each moment that Joy is the
goal and I move closer to that with each loving step I take.
I spent a few short weeks with this loving soul friend. We read poetry and went on great feast
quests and made love. We remembered and loved and laughed and shared stories. When it was
over there was no drama or hurt, it just was done. We knew it was a soul meeting, a visit and then
we moved on.
March 27, 2007 - I am hearing the same stories out there. It is a yearning for places of community
for folks to share living together. There was a time when we thought solitude and quiet space was
the only way we could find ourselves. We now know we can get that by meditation, going inside and
finding the all-one-ness instead of aloneness. It is the day-to-day experience that is calling for more
community relationships, more life sharing. It is time for us to build community based living
experiences for people in different growth / changes during a lifetime. I see it for people in grief.
There is a huge population of baby boomers approaching that point in life where they could lose a
long time partner. These are the folks that need to start the group home environment. Where
meals would not have to be standing near the kitchen sink for five minutes. Where actually talking
about the deep, dark pit of grief is absolutely ok… there is nothing you cannot say to another
widow/er that is forbidden, you see we know everything in the grief process is ok, and there are no
rules. So sharing the experience (as I do now with some others) adds a certain softness to it
because it is real and we survived. Same goes for our elders. They are shoved into singular
complex boxed homes or apartments alone and frightened because moving an elderly person in
some confusion causes even more fear and confusion to them. Why not put them together, like
minded elders so they can share caregivers, chefs and drivers in a group home? Again, a shared
experience bonds them together. The changes of their life similar to others keeps them stronger
and more present in the moment because of the sharing. This is part of the reason for the art gym.
To compare tips and techniques in art and creating. A space where art is created but it is also a
soft, gentle place to share this life experience. Then take it and apply it to the single parents and,
oh, would they be in joy to share resources that are probably so stretched? The children would
have the luxury of time with their parent, a parent relaxed and ready to fully participate in their life.
These are not just words; these are thoughts about looking at new ways of living together. This is
the time to explore all the possibilities and make changes. Thoughts become our reality, we just
have to wish.
Chapter 16 2007 – Sharing Words
May 8, 2007 - I would like to dedicate today to Jake, my 10 year old basset hound who crossed over
the Rainbow Bridge this morning. This dog was a loyal and loving friend. He taught me about
unconditional love, always greeting me in the morning with a wagging tail and curling up with me at
night. He was a miracle to me. A life raft in stormy seas, never an anchor. I celebrate his life,
this gentle master of love and happiness. Goodnight sweet Jake. I love you very much. Thank
God for allowing me to share time with this beautiful soul.
May 20, 2007 - Healing Light Meditation
There are many writings about this and it is called many things. It is all about balance. It is all about
remembering the positive, perfect being that You Are. There are energies that intersect with us
during each day. This is an exercise in shielding, clearing and then connecting to our Higher
Self. That little voice you hear is the Truth. That soft, perfect Truth that sometimes seems like
synchronicity or destiny. It is your Higher Self answering a question or helping with directions. We
are blessed to have Angels and Guides that are here to help so just ask. If you feel stuck or a
negative feeling or emotion bubbles up that is a stepping stone. You feel it, so now you clear it away
and pull in the Light. This Light is your connection to Source, God the Divine and All That Is. You
are a Child of God, a Child of Creator Light and Perfect Love and Joy. This is about remembering.
Shielding - Close your eyes and ask your Angels for a cone of White Divine Light of protection.
Imagine this Light swirling and spiraling from the top of your head around your body and under your
feet. Beautiful spirals of white light wrapping around you. When you have felt this complete, thank
the Angels and tell them you love them.
Clearing - This statement – “Archangel Michael, please cut any cords and ties that have attached
themselves to me that are less than the Light of God. Please send these immediately back up to
God to be cleansed and purified.” Thank Michael and tell him you love him. You can expand if you
wish
“Archangel Michael, please cut any cords that have attached themselves to me from negative
thoughts, fears, ego, energy poachers, psychic intruders, hooks, hitchhikers and anything less than
the Light of God. Please send these immediately back up to God to be cleansed and purified.”
Thank Michael and tell him you love him.
Connecting Light - We are always connected. This is a visual meditation to remember and balance
your auric field and within (the subtle body is four elements - Spiritual, Mental, Emotional and
Physical). Each element of your Self is as important as the next. Breathe deeply in through your
nose and release through your mouth. Sit in a chair or on the floor or lie on a bed - your choice.
“Please connect me to Gaia. Pulling golden healing feminine energy Light from the Center of Mother
Earth through my feet up into my heart chakra (heart space).” Imagine golden swirling light; golden
warm light from the center core (heart of Mother Earth) to you - brilliant and liquid Light filling you;
spiraling in your heart space. Say, “Thank you. I Love You.”
“Connect with my Divine Self please.” Imagine a cord of platinum white Light coming from the top of
your head and flowing into your heart space. These golden and white lights now blending in your
heart space. Say “Thank you. I Love You.” Expand this Light. Feel it flowing freely through you like
a River of Light. Feel it flow to those areas of Self where it is needed. Imagine it filling those
spaces.
Now imagine your Light expanding out in an oval or spherical shape surrounding your entire Being.
Continue to breathe. Feel the light increasing and expanding - filling you, healing you and
clearing you. Bringing balance and connection to All That Is.
May 25, 2007 - My garden - a moonlight bridge in a white flower forest.
August 6, 2007 - I know this, why I Am Here. For Love. To soften the way for the next group. So
they do not have to experience the tidal wave. The sweeping away of everything in their life so their
soul seed can blossom. That was my journey. Mine and many others. We have smoothed the rocks
and sharp edges of the path. The way is made now with love and Light, soft and gentle. It is just
for the asking and it is there. Beautiful Light and love. Here and now.
October 20, 2007- I Am a chalice of lace, so that all things that fill me will be shared.
January 2, 2008 - I have loved so hard and deep that the echo of it still rings through the Universe.
That is not a bad thing. It means I know love. To know love means I will have it again because I will
recognize it. It is time to love again.
2011 – In January of 2008 I wrote a note to the Universe. I had rented a room at two places since
moving out of my Mother’s in 2006. It was time to make a home for myself. I wrote this letter,
“Please make me a place in the forests, near the ocean where I can bring all of my things from the 7
x 10 storage space in Palm Desert back together with the things I have now into a living space of my
own. A place to rent where I can be me. A week later I sat next to a friend of mine in a small local
church of like-minded souls. She asked me if I had found a place to live yet. I told her that I was
looking. She asked what I was looking for and I told her what my note said. She said she had a
cottage in the woods, with ocean breezes, and it is being painted right as we spoke. I told her I
would take it. She asked me if I wanted to see it, I said ok – but I know it is going to be even better
that what I dreamed it would be. It was and is and I live there today. My perfect fairy cottage in the
woods, 550 square feet where everything fit perfectly together when I moved them all back together.
A great place for living, being, writing and painting.
January 20, 2008 - Every time I ask for a sign it is there. Every time I ask for help it is there. These
are the kisses from Heaven. The touches that let me know We Are Loved.
March 12, 2008 - I held my breath while I waited for him to leave. I nursed him with unconditional
love until he left this place. I held him until he let go, then I let go. I had to learn to breathe again. I
am breathing deeply now. Breathing my own life.
May 13, 2008 – Gratitude to the Universe - Thank you for the journey! I thought it was a long road
to get here. Now I know it was all for love, it was not so very long at all.
June 24 2008 - Some days I feel like a crayon. Coloring my way through this book. Filling in spaces
with color and light. Softening the hard edges.
June 27, 2008 - I met myself, and I Am Love.
Chapter 17 2008 – Making Space to Grow
For my mother Gina, who passed into the Light on August 22, 2008 with her family present
Leaving Gently © Laura Hamill 2008
Thank you, Mom, for leaving gently. Each time you stepped away from something we did together
we set it aside and went to the next best thing to share. Soon I realized that we were no longer doing
things together because you had stepped into another world, a place of peace where you could rest.
Even when you could not remember my name, you still introduced me as your friend. Each time you
stepped away you made the path to this moment soft and easy. Thank you for helping me see the
miracle of your journey.
2011 – I want to say a bit more about having a mother with dementia. I spent a lot of time with her
and her changing journey. Toward the end of her time I spent very little time with her, I could not
understand why she was still here in the physical and yet her spirit so very removed from us. I
stayed away because she cried when she saw me and got upset. I stayed away because I didn’t
know her anymore. When I recognized this was her perfect journey, a script and experience she
came here to have, she left. Then I realized she stayed to teach me that incredible lesson. She
stayed until I understood about it being her experience; she stayed until I could finally understand
that lesson. That is what I mean about looking at events and experiences through love. Even when
I thought not going to visit her was for love, it really wasn’t the picture at all. It was about love – it
was a lesson in understanding the completeness of unconditional love.
September 14, 2008 - I will always have this to give, to receive and in endless supply – Love
2011 – Awakeness
September 22, 2008 - Grid Sliding - I was with a small group – two or three others. We were
practicing entering the grid. I was showing them how to slim down the light to smoothly enter and exit
the grid with little or no disruption to the “system” and “self” while doing this. My light was pink. I was
aware of that. Also, as I left the grid they expressed how there was no note of it, it was not even a
blip to disrupt the power or flow. I asked them to remember as they exited what they could – that
would be important because they were bringing in bits and pieces of others that have been /
departed the grid…
For me, it was a matter of slimming – making light achieve the same flow, size, pattern as what was
entered and same upon exiting.
We also waited until the system was on a slow-down – like interrupt-off to enter – that way our
entrance did no disruption. I left while the others of our group were still connected, and one did note
when I left it did not raise attention.
September 16, 2008 - This story that is my story is a beautiful tale about love and compassion.
Those are the tools that we have been given. So it begins, this new and wonderful life, a life of love
and happiness. Joy and bliss, humor and tenderness, gentle caring and compassion, careful in
thought and deed like never before because I now understand how these really do make themselves
become my reality. Notice Now. I create Love.
October 16, 2008 - I am walking on clouds. I am completely in a state of love and trust. Surrendering
the dreams I have to the Universe because I know that the dreams grow ever so much more lovely
and perfect when I release the outcome to the perfection of the Divine Plan. That is really how it
works. I grow a thought, like a seed. Then I dream the thought into more awareness of where that
thought gives me joy. Then I release the seed of Joy into the awareness of knowing that the Source
of my Light knows the perfect plan for me to experience. When I try and sculpt that seed with my
thinking mind instead of my knowing heart, it is always just misses. When I allow it to grow and
move into perfection, well I have one word WOW! This has happened many times since I became
awake and aware, so I am dreaming with my heart, dreaming the thought into that seed of Joy.
Knowing I am ready to love again, to have that perfect soul mate step into my life to share this Joy.
Growing the seed with Love. I Am writing my evolution.
November 19, 2008 - Dream mapping. I am climbing a beautiful mountain with you and mapping the
places of views and rest; mapping the trail for the next travelers. What a beautiful experience.
February 6, 2009 - Pearls. In each lifetime there are relationships, like rings that connect. With
those relationships are the pearls of wisdom. In each lifetime we learn and extend our experience
through those relationships -- loving, lessons and we grow. Now we understand it is very easy to stay
present, aware and awake. The signs are abundant and easily seen when we remain in that joy of
knowing. The pearls are all around; the lessons are so much easier now. Love is the answer,
forever and always the greatest pearl of all.
April 15, 2009...Yed Prior - Left Hand of the Healer - oh what a great story!
2011 - Awakeness – Here is another story to share. In meditation in 2004 I was given an invitation
with 5 numbers and told to wear a transparent raincoat, no animal skin would be allowed at the
airport. I took this literally (ok, still a newbie then!). I purchased transparent raincoat at the sporting
goods store and went to the Palm Springs Airport (it was indeed pouring rain). Nothing happened. I
went home, looked up the zip code for these numbers and heard this – “think bigger!” I went back
into meditation and asked for my guide to be with me on the journey – wherever it would be. I was
brought to this star/planet, a colony of healers by art. I was greeted by Joseph (of the many colored
coat). Brilliant lights flowing through his cloak in colors I do not yet know. I was gently admonished
for not proceeding with my art. The message was loving and yet it was a reminder of why I am here
– to help people heal with art. Art healed me of the dystonia (I forgot). Art helped me heal after
John died (I forgot). I returned from this astral travel with another layer of knowing what greatness
and beauty exists and there are no boundaries, only those we make.
Later I looked up the numbers in the star maps. The numbers are the designation for Yed Prior –
the star at the left hand of Sign of Ophiucus, the 13th sign of the Zodiac, the sign of the Healer.
This 13th sign of the Zodiac has just become visible after many eons because of the “tilt” of Mother
Earth has recently experienced.
June 18, 2009 - See with your heart. Love everything. Forgive anything that causes you discomfort.
These simple acts create new magnificence.
June 21, 2009 - for Dad on Father's Day because he is one of the Golden Folk
Dad: On this Father’s Day I thank you for showing me that giving is really living. I can see all the gifts
you and Jeri give to your family and community. The giving of your time and beautiful foods; both
hold so much care for everything around you. And I thank you for helping me find a way to learn
about the earth and my community with the agriculture group. The meetings and tours have helped
me know so much more about the people that really are making a difference in the way we parent
the earth and feed our community. It is all really about unconditional love and thank you for helping
me understand that lesson. It is the best of all. It is not something you can write about or learn
from a book, it is something you experience because someone, like you, has given it with soft words
and actions. When you experience unconditional love in an unawakened state it is a great feeling.
When you experience unconditional love in an awakened state it is like all the bells and whistles of
the Universe ping, all the lights turn on and you feel grace from the inside out. Thank you for
teaching me to see with my heart.
July 3, 2009 - Cambria overnight. This is where I write my dream; speak it out loud to the Universe
and I Know. I thank the Universe for this trip; which did so much for my heart and soul; this Cambria
place is so very clear like a wishing well for me. Now I release my dream to the Universe and Know.
July 16, 2009 - I am a bridge. A rainbow bridge of Love and Light. I was looking for the other
shore to complete the bridge. Then I realized when I stopped looking I had already found it. I was
already there. I am complete.
August 12, 2009 - Driving home tonight I noticed the sky looked like Heaven. As I got to the top of
the hill the message was “Welcome to Heaven. All you have to do is change the way you think
about it.”
August 15, 2009 - I sat in the Avenue of the Giants today. The ancient redwoods in California. They
told me this: One little tree makes a forest. One helping hand heals the world. One heartfelt
thought makes love.
August 26, 2009 - Someone told me they were in grief today; they said not the kind I experienced,
however, grief none-the-less. There is no way to measure or judge grief. Once you had
experienced grief this is the deepest knowing of it. You never stand it up against someone else's
grief to see who has more. You never judge if what someone is feeling is really grief or not. This is
the first lesson of grief. Complete acceptance and love for anyone in grief. Taking that lesson out
over a five year period I understand this is where I learned unconditional love. The lessons and
tests still arrive. Unconditional love is the only answer. I cannot judge anyone because that is really
judging me. I cannot get angry at anyone because I am only hurting myself. There is a way to
speak my truth through a loving and compassionate heart. Today I spoke to someone in haste with
much frustration. All that did was bring me more of what I was feeling. I should have sat and taken
a few breaths. I forgot just for a moment. In that moment I was not in my heart. Tonight I know
tomorrow will bring an apology and forgiveness. They go together. So once more with all my heart I
know love is the only way to answer anything. This is the only tool that works all the time and makes
miracles.
August 28, 2009 - Mt. Shasta - The rocks and stones remember the heat at their center that gave
them birth. They will support you.
Awakeness
September 8, 2009 –The Dinner Party Dream - I made a vessel from ground crystals spun into a
beautiful cylinder to serve. Seated at the table were six others. I poured out beautiful light
structures from the serving vessel, different patterns for each being. The patterns were of sacred
geometries combining straight line light structures, spirals and geometrics all connected. The
servings were not quite touching the plane of the table top. It was a very beautiful feast; food of life
was served.
September 16, 2009 - Last night the forest where I live was showing me so much love coming
through ...love so very vast there are no words built yet for this experience. This is one of those
times that only tears could express what I was feeling. I would like to say more about this but
cannot. The love that is out there is so big it knocks me over when I really reach out and touch it.
There is nothing else that matters when you touch that love, nothing at all. It is everything and All
That Is.
Awakeness
October 26, 2009 - Loving touches. During dreamwork I was gently smoothing mountain ranges.
There were several in various colors. Blue range, violet range and so on. As I was smoothing the
mountains I was sobbing. These were deep soul sobs, like a cleansing wash during the gentle and
loving touches I was applying. At the end, I was crystal. All clear.
October 28, 2009 - Entered the River of Life (Light). This elegant and complex river of patterns
and lights was an entirely different place that I had previously experienced in the grid. This was the
place of Creation. There was a vast feeling of connection to everything. I asked to see a dream
come true. As I was observing (while and being a part of the river) there were explosions of light.
These were the connections that formed the fruition of a dream as it becomes a reality. The patterns
were so intricately woven, like complex embroidery of silver and white light in a soft gentle
background, always moving and forming new and even more beautiful patterns. There were areas
of different colored light. These I perceived to be my gentle Guides and others that I know in this
lifetime. There was no difference between ones that have passed over or not, we were all very
present and completely a part of this river. This is an entirely new place for me to experience fully
awake during meditation. It was a place to dream and drift. To remember my connection to
Everything and All That Is, forever and eternally, sharing my breath.
Awakeness
January 1, 2010 – Dreamscape- I was visiting a historical place with a wide expanse of gravel
entryway in beautiful colors of terracotta. The temple had two domes and in the center of the
domes was an emblem, an ancient glyph. There were a dozen people taking pictures of this
emblem and monument. I felt the need to be on the ground. I lay down on the gravel expanse in
perfect alignment with the emblem. Face up, feet towards the monument. This was not unusual,
the other visitors did not mind me, and they just gave me space. This was a place of perfect
balance. This was the place that brought me into complete balance and oneness. I could feel the
energy flowing from that sign directly to me. There was no separation from anything.
June 4, 2010 - I did not realize it had been so long since my last post. I have been working on my
book. In the meantime please let me share this writing. This was from a writer’s workshop I have
recently attended. Our exercise was to choose an item of nature from the center table and write
about it. A small piece of granite from the far side of the table called to me. I picked it up and this
is the story:
Ancient Stone © Laura Hamill 2010
In this place where I was born, there is a sense of timelessness. I started as fire, deep within the
heart of a great mother. The fire grew to become a huge explosion and I felt air and water and wind
and became part of the landscape. Soaring cliffs of granite. Stone made smooth by countless
centuries of water and wind. Pieces of me would break apart and fall and become a great mountain.
The wind would blow seeds and trees would grow next to me. Some so large I would not see the sun
shine. Then these beautiful animals started to visit me. They would rest in my arms and make
smooth places to sit. They would give birth around me and all of a sudden I would feel new and
precious young ones dancing on me. What a delightful dance. These are some of my best
memories. The sharing of water, wind and place with these things that are so alive they move and
dance and make sweet noises to each other. I am so happy to share myself and this place of me
with them. Then some others came. They were very intent on changing me. They came to my place
and made cuts and holes around me. They started to add heavy pieces of trees that had fallen onto
me. Always, I am changing. I am here, a mountain of stone and strong and supporting. They make
fire. Not like the place of fire I was born, but gentle warmth to keep them happy and together during
weather times. This fire makes them sing and dance sometimes, just like the animal children that
used to step lightly on my back. They are always changing the place of me. Moving parts of me to
one side and another of the mountain. Sometimes to plant more trees and fruits on me. This is
enchanting. These are smells and tastes I have never had before. I am happy to be in this living
place. It always is about change. Now they are bringing heavier things to move me. These giant,
grinding spiders walk on me and push me to places away from where I am from. They are trying to
move me from my place with these smoking, grinding, heavy creatures. Sometimes I just give way.
Sometimes I push back and enfold them into me, too tired to play these games. I am resting again
now. The giant scraping, noisy, smoking spiders have moved away. The gentle creatures of land are
back. I have people visiting again, yet they are very softly stepping on me. Like a reverence for an
elder one. Am I really that ancient? It is very peaceful now. I feel a small hand reach into me, gently
chipping a part of me for a token. I am happy to give myself for these things. They connect us, these
pieces of me. It is a new journey where I am going. I am traveling away from my place, away from
millions of tons of myself, thousands of storms and trees and generations of life I have shared. I am
happy to go be this token of a great place, a precious memory to this person that takes me away.
They are cutting me into a small shape. I remember this; these small, happy beings used to frolic in
the ponds that formed at my feet in my spaces of water. I am going to be a token of love, of a
memory of a place of mountains and trees, made into a beautiful shape of a frog. I still remember
the frog songs on sweet summer nights where the sky was always a bit light so I could see the life
around me. This is a fine place. I am resting again now on a beautiful cloth in a wonderful woman’s
home. I still gaze and feel my connection through her. We are all connected. I never really left
anywhere. I am still the mountain, the stream, the wind and the trees. I am still the fire, the dance
and the celebration.
After this piece was written the woman that brought the stone told me it was carved by Ricky Lahhty
a Zuni carver. I did not even know it was a frog shape until it was in my hands. I learned so much
in that writing and that nature has so much to share with us, we just have to ask.
July 28, 2010 - I am so happy to breathe. It fills me with joy. In being fully conscious of that breath I
am connected to Source and All That Is. It is wonderful to fully realize how much joy this breath gives
me and all the love that allows me to manifest that breath in this time now.
September 25, 2010 - Today is a new anniversary. I have cleared the way from the past to now.
Today I am so happy and so much in love with life. This past experience was just that, past. It was
a time of love and life and very different than what I am living now, because I am very different. I am
awake. I am fully conscious and recognize that beautiful spark of love and creation in everyone.
So today I begin anew. Today I have written a love letter to the man of my dream, my new dream
for this new life that I am living. Today is a fresh canvas that I have painted with my dreams and
planted the seeds of this new garden. September 25, 2010 is a new anniversary. The start of a new
dream.
October 10, 2010 - Danced on Mount Shasta today. Meditation with the soft sound of drums and
flute and chanting from other folks celebrating the 10-10-10 at this beautiful site. I poured by
desires out into the heart rock and surrendered my Light to the Creator. That is where my dreams
are born, where we are all perfect and whole. Where we are all Love.
January 12, 2011- I stepped out of my cottage today into the morning air. Today I tasted spring. It
was so very sweet.
Chapter 18 2011 – I Am
August 2011 – We have reached the end of this book and the end of the grief journey. I will be
completely honest here and say that after 7 years, the tale of John and Laura is like a book that I
read a long time ago can only remember certain parts of the story. The soul energy that is John is
forever in my heart. He is always there yet in a very different role, as a Guide and also as a part of
me because in the awakening I recognize that John is not separate any longer, he is a part of the
Oneness of Everything and so a part of me.
INSERT THE LIGHT WITHIN
The best way to explain this is that on the home page of my website. When I first wrote the intro it
said…..
I Am Laura Hamill. I am writing my evolution
on these pages. The evolution of my soul awakening.
The journey from wife to widow to woman.
Now it says
I Am Laura Hamill. I am writing my evolution
on these pages. The evolution of my soul awakening.
The journey from wife to widow to Human Be-ing.
I hope these words and writings help make your path a bit softer. For me, the journey of
awakening is not at all over; this is a continuous and beautiful expedition. You have probably
noticed I am softer now and because of that my path is softer. The opening of my soul-self to
learning a new way of being has been a fantastic experience. It has made my life experience
become so vast and full of love. What grief gave me was an opening because in the full surrender
of what I thought I was and how I thought I was living I found that was only a hint of what was really
inside. There is still so much space to fill and I pray to stay open and awake for these blessings to
arrive in my life. In the incredible seven years of traveling through grief, I have learned to take
responsibility for my life – and for everything that occurs. With that comes a natural forgiveness for
anything that knocks me out of joy. It was my creation to learn a lesson. In those more gentle
thoughts of forgiveness and looking at life through the heart you can very easily make the choice
back to love. In times before when I was not in joy I may have stayed there for weeks or longer.
Now there are minutes or moments before I return back to the heart. There is a quiet sense of
ease and grace with these knowing’s and still the wonder and awe of what can be!
Today I write, paint, work and I love. I am free.
Love and more love
Laura
Cracking the Seed (What Grief Gave Me) © Laura Hamill 2011
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